March Madness 2019: The Great Mascot Death Bracket II

March Madness 2019: The Great Mascot Death Bracket II

IT IS MARCH, AMIGOS.

And that means it’s time to take the NCAA Tournament brackets and turn them upside down.

Last year, I had this idea (not that it was my idea to begin with… let’s say inspiration) to take all the mascots involved in the March Madness tournament and pit them all against each other, and determine which one would come out victorious in a winner-take-all, fight-to-the-death steel cage match, or something like that.

And thus, the Great Mascot Death Bracket was born.

The concept is simple. If the mascots, not the basketball teams, were to duke it out (lol, Duke) in a fight to the death, who would win? No holds barred, anything goes. A lot of my picks are logical, some of them are because I say so. Also, fair warning, there are those colleges who foolishly pick dogs as mascots, and I feel so much regret in saying that there will likely be many doggos killed off in this tournament.

But it’s all fictional, of course.

Now let’s figure out what the hell an Aggie is and start killing off some mascots.

LET THE MADNESS BEGIN.

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East Region

Round of 64

ENTRY BATTLE ROYALE (1) Duke Blue Devils vs. (16) North Dakota State Bison vs. (16) North Carolina Central Eagles

​The Blue Devil is named for the french “les Diables Bleus,” a nickname given to the Chasseurs Alpins, the French Alpine light infantry battalion during World War I. An eagle is an eagle, and a bison is a bison. Imma give the ELITE FRENCH SOLDIER the benefit of the doubt in this opening round game.

Winner: Duke Blue Devils

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(8) Virginia Commonwealth Rams vs. (9) Central Florida Knights

In this game, there are animals, and there are guys with swords and armor. This is an easy one. Those Rams horns are tough, but I don’t think they’re any match for the knight’s sword and shield.

Winner: Central Florida Knights

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​(5) Mississippi State Bulldogs vs. (12) Liberty Flames

An adorable bulldog against a candle. And again, a flame could mean anything, but in this case, the flame is a candle. I think the dog goes up to the candle and sniffs at it (and realizes it’s probably a really interesting smelling Yankee Candle or something) but then sneezes on it. The flame is snuffed out. The bulldog wins.

Winner: Mississippi State Bulldogs


(4) Virginia Tech Hokies vs. (13) Saint Louis Billikens

​So a Hokie is, in layman's terms, a chicken. A Billiken is a charm doll. So we basically have two satanic worship tokens. It really all depends on which one will charm the other one to death. The Billiken looks the creepiest, so I think it’ll use its juju to ensure the chicken is sacrificed to the gods of March Madness.

Winner: Saint Louis Billikens


ENTRY BATTLE ROYALE: (6) Maryland Terrapins vs. (11) Belmont Bruins vs. (11) Temple Owls

​Here we have three animals, one of which is a bear. The Bruin will crunch down on the terrapin’s shell, ending the turtle’s tournament run. Bears can also climb trees, which mean that not even the owl is safe from the bear’s clutches. The Bruin tears through his competition on the way to the next round.

Winner: Belmont Bruins

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(3) LSU Tigers vs. (14) Yale Bulldogs

​This is one of those sad moments where we have to eliminate a dog from the competition. The tiger’s got the edge. Sorry, Eli.

Winner: LSU Tigers


(7) Louisville Cardinals vs. (10) Minnesota Golden Gophers

​An underground creature against a sky creature is a tricky situation. Why would the sky creature ever want to go underground? Can the underground creature even get up high enough to attack the sky creature? There’s a lot of waiting game to be played here. I think the edge goes to the cardinal, who can attack the gopher with a vicious air attack whenever he pops out of the ground. The cardinal blinds the gopher with his sharp talons (do cardinals have large talons?), and moves into the next round. Also, what makes a gopher golden?

Winner: Louisville Cardinals


(2) Michigan State Spartans vs. (15) Bradley Braves

The Spartan’s armor will do some good against those vicious tomahawks coming from the brave. The Brave might be a fierce warrior, but I think the Spartan has a bit more formal training, especially in hand-to-hand combat. Sparty on.

Winner: Michigan State Spartans

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Round of 32

(1) Duke Blue Devils vs. (9) Central Florida Knights
The Blue Devil is still riding through on his tank. The knight is no match for early 20th century war technology. Pretty sure the Blue Devil has a gun, too. Allons-y to the next round, Duke!

Winner: Duke Blue Devils


(5) Mississippi State Bulldogs vs. (13) Saint Louis Billikens
The Bulldog uses the Billiken as a chew toy. Next!

Winner: Mississippi State Bulldogs


(11) Belmont Bruins vs. (3) LSU Tigers
Ooooh, these bouts between tigers and bears are my favorites. Both are strong, fierce, and threatening. According to the trusty internet: “... tigers are known for killing… bears for its diet… bears constitute 8% of its diet.” In addition to that incredibly vague piece of information, I value the tiger’s speed over the bruin’s bulk. Those sharp teeth can do a lot of damage in not a lot of time.

Winner: LSU Tigers


(7) Louisville Cardinals vs. (2) Michigan State Spartans
The Spartans carried javelins, which could be used to throw and strike enemies at long distances. With one incredibly accurate shot, the Spartan kabobs his dinner for the night.

Winner: Michigan State Spartans


Sweet 16

(1) Duke Blue Devils vs. (5) Mississippi State Bulldogs
Aww man. Sorry, pupper.

Winner: Duke Blue Devils


(3) LSU Tigers vs. (2) Michigan State Spartans
I imagine that the Spartan had to come across some crazy animals in his time. I mean, have you ever seen the crazy animals from 300? At least, I think there are crazy animals in 300. Regardles, Sparty will handily deal with a measly tiger. Next victim.

Winner: Michigan State Spartans


Elite 8

(1) Duke Blue Devils vs. (2) Michigan State Spartans
It’s a matter of technology here. The Spartan has a sword and a shield, but the soldier has a gun and can pick the Spartan apart with pinpoint shooting. The Blue Devil rolls on to the final four.

Winner: Duke Blue Devils

Duke advances to the Final Four
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West Region

Round of 64

ENTRY BATTLE ROYALE: (1) Gonzaga Bulldogs vs. (16) Fairleigh Dickinson Knights vs. (16) Prairie View A&M Panthers

The Knight has a sword. It will only have to kill the panther, since the panther’s probably going for the animal lower on the food chain first. Sorry, bulldog. Another one bites the dust.

Winner: (16) Fairleigh Dickinson Knights


(8) Syracuse Orange vs. (9) Baylor Bears

​The bear eats the orange. Because fuck Syracuse.

Winner: Baylor Bears


(5) Marquette Golden Eagles vs. (12) Murray State Racers

​Most horses can only run for so long before getting tired. I think when he does, the eagle is going to pick him clean, vulture style.

Winner: Marquette Golden Eagles


(4) Florida State Seminoles vs. (13) Vermont Catamounts

​A catamount is a cougar native to the Yukon. The Seminole is native to Florida, so I’m confident that it won’t have any knowledge of what a catamount brings to the table. The big cat eats him alive using its cunning, natural intuition for the terrain, and speed. Also “catamount” is a far superior name to “cougar” or “mountain lion.”

Winner: Vermont Catamounts


ENTRY BATTLE ROYALE: (6) Buffalo Bulls vs. (11) Arizona State Sun Devils vs. (11) St. John’s Red Storm

​What color do the Sun Devils and Red Storm have in common? Red. Neither of them stand a chance against the irate Bull, no matter how arbitrary a “red storm” is.

Winner: Buffalo Bulls


(3) Texas Tech Red Raiders vs. (14) Northern Kentucky Norse

​So a raider is a pirate. The Norse are actual vikings. It’s a battle of ocean men who survive by killing other ocean men. Just as a rule, I think that vikings are tougher than generic pirates, so I think the Norsemen bring down the hammer on the red pirate guys.

Winner: Northern Kentucky Norse


(7) Nevada Wolfpack vs. (10) Florida Gators

​One alligator against a pack of wolves. Hmm. See ya later, alligator.

Winner: Nevada Wolfpack


(2) Michigan Wolverines vs. (15) Montana Grizzlies

These two faced each other last year. A wolverine’s bite is so powerful they’ve been known to topple moose. Also...

Winner: Michigan Wolverines


Round of 32

(16) Fairleigh Dickinson Knights vs. (9) Baylor Bears
Grizzly bears can run at up to 40 miles per hour. One false step and that knight becomes Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant. The bear, fueled by the power of the vitamin C that he just snacked on, will maul the knight based on pure brute strength.

Winner: Baylor Bears


(5) Marquette Golden Eagles vs. (13) Vermont Catamounts
That cougar is going to eat that bird for lunch.

Winner: Vermont Catamounts


(6) Buffalo Bulls vs. (14) Northern Kentucky Norse
THOR BRINGETH THE HAMMER.

Winner: Northern Kentucky Norse


(7) Nevada Wolfpack vs. (2) Michigan Wolverines
Wolverines might be cool, but the wolf pack have the numbers game. The wolf pack may lose one or two, but they’re not going to let a singular wolverine push them around.

Winner: Nevada Wolfpack



Sweet 16

(9) Baylor Bears vs. (13) Vermont Catamounts
The bear has been on a tear as of late, and I think his thick skin is enough to ward off the catamount’s bites and scratches, wearing him down until the bear can just overpower him.

Winner: Baylor Bears


(14) Northern Kentucky Norse vs. (7) Nevada Wolfpack
And now that we’re back into humans fighting animals… Vikings used animal pelts as clothing. Look! There are enough wolves to have one pelt for each member of the crew! Those Vikings and their spears are going to make some mincemeat of these wolves. Man, I really wish I could see what happens at the end of The Grey.

Winner: Northern Kentucky Norse


Elite 8
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(9) Baylor Bears vs. (14) Northern Kentucky Norse

Whether it’s on the football field or in the death bracket, the Vikings have the edge. Using their modern stone-age technology, fueled by Led Zeppelin music, the Norsemen send the bear to Valhalla as a sacrifice to Heimdahl.

Winner: Northern Kentucky Norse

Northern Kentucky Advances to the Final Four

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South Region

Round of 64

(1) Virginia Cavaliers vs. (16) Gardner-Webb Runnin’ Bulldogs

UGH WHY DO WE HAVE TO SLAY DOGGIES.

Winner: Virginia Cavaliers


(8) Ole Miss Rebels vs. (9) Oklahoma Sooners

Those Sooners on the frontier were tough as nails. They even had to ward off things like cholera. The rebels, derived from the Confederates during the Civil War, come from around the same time period. But from what I’ve seen in almost every movie about westward expansion and about the Civil War, most of the rebels are portrayed as scared young boys (and like, 14 or 15 years young), and the frontiersmen are all portrayed as scruffy, hardened men. The Sooner is going to shoot the Rebel because he has no patience for weakness.

Winner: Oklahoma Sooners


(5) Wisconsin Badgers vs. (12) Oregon Ducks

Badgers are omnivores and eat anything. Ducks can only eat anything that will fit in their beaks, like fish or worms, or the scraps of  bread people toss from the pier. The badger gobbles that poor duck up in one fell swoop.

Winner: Wisconsin Badgers


(4) Kansas State Wildcats vs. (13) California-Irvine Anteaters

An anteater brings a seven-foot-long sticky tongue to the party against the generic wildcat. The problem is that the anteater only eats one thing: ants. It has no teeth. Although, it is impressive that it can eat up to 35,000 ants PER DAY. The wildcat will bite right through the anteater’s tongue in some weird french-kiss-gone-wrong scenario.

Winner: Kansas State Wildcats

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(6) Villanova Wildcats vs. (11) Saint Mary’s Gaels

​Another generic wildcat. Joy. A Gael is a native of Ireland. My money’s on the tough Irishmen who won’t let Villanova win another national championship.

Winner: Saint Mary’s Gaels


(3) Purdue Boilermakers vs. (14) Old Dominion Monarchs

The Boilermakers are folks who do hands-on work with train boilers. They get down and dirty, working to make sure that the train boilers are running smoothly on coal. They’re blue collar workers, and they will TOPPLE THE MONARCHY. LONG LIVE THE PROLETARIAT UPRISING. Also Purdue’s actual mascot is the Boilermaker Special. An ACTUAL LOCOMOTIVE TRAIN. Good luck, everybody else.

Winner: Purdue Boilermakers


(7) Cincinnati Bearcats vs. (10) Iowa Hawkeyes

​A bearcat is not some kind of incredible super bear-cat hybrid. He is an adorable, vicious animal that will bite your face off. But for me, the edge actually goes to Iowa.

Jeremy Renner and Alan Alda take no prisoners. With Renner’s Hawkeye as the muscle and Alda’s Hawkeye as the brains and medicine guy, these two could be unstoppable.

Winner: Iowa Hawkeyes


(2)Tennessee Volunteers vs. (15) Colgate Raiders

Pirate with gun against regular Tennessee guy with no gun. The volunteer just volunteered to be here, he had no idea what he was getting into! He has a family! Have mercy! All he did was try to help!

Winner: Colgate Raiders

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Round of 32
(1) Virginia Cavaliers vs. (9) Oklahoma Sooners
Gun beats sword. It’s science. Also, the Sooner’s majestic mountain beard alone could probably beat up the Cavalier and his handlebar moustache.

Winner: Oklahoma Sooners


(5) Wisconsin Badgers vs. (4) Kansas State Wildcats

OH SHIT THAT BADGER WAS LIKE “I’MMA FUCK YOU UP, WILDCAT. YOU BETTA STEP BACK.” Badgers foreverrrrrr.

Winner: Wisconsin Badgers


(11) Saint Mary’s Gaels vs. (3) Purdue Boilermakers
It’s a locomotive train. Irishmen are tough, but they’re gonna look real dumb standing in front of a train.

Winner: Purdue Boilermakers


(10) Iowa Hawkeyes vs. (15) Colgate Raiders
I think Renner’s Hawkeye can fire like five arrows at the same time. This is like some Peter Pan-against-Captain Hook type stuff. The pirates may have guns, but they Hawkeyes have Jeremy Renner and Alan Alda. Easy win for the Hawkeyes.

Winner: Iowa Hawkeyes


Sweet 16
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(9) Oklahoma Sooners vs. (5) Wisconsin Badgers
Sooners know how to trap their food. That badger doesn’t have a prayer.

Winner: Oklahoma Sooners


(3) Purdue Boilermakers vs. (10) Iowa Hawkeyes
CHOO-CHOO, BEEYOTCH.

Winner: Purdue Boilermakers


Elite 8

(9) Oklahoma Sooners vs. (3) Purdue Boilermakers
Technology wins. It’s conestoga wagon (yeah, I play Oregon Trail) against steam train. The boilermaker sees your wagon and raises you ONE TRANSCONTINENTAL RAILROAD.

Winner: Purdue Boilermakers

Purdue advances to the Final Four

​Midwest Region

Round of 64

(1) North Carolina Tar Heels vs. (16) Iona Gaels

Tar Heels, by nature, have sticky feet. They would be sitting ducks against a pissed-off Irishman.

Winner: Iona Gaels


(8) Utah State Aggies vs. (9) Washington Huskies

An Aggie is one who makes his living in agriculture. That said, I am highly positive that a farmer has methods of dealing with pesky dogs who try to trample through his garden and eat his crops. Using things like an invisible fence, pesticides, or just a straight up gun, the Aggie makes sure that poor beautiful husky won’t come around his garden every again.

Winner: Utah State Aggies


(5) Auburn Tigers vs. (12) New Mexico State Aggies

Then again, this particular aggie is dealing with a freaking TIGER. Tigers eat both meat and plants, but they mostly eat meat. Screw your plants, farmer. This cat wants to eat YOU.

Winner: Auburn Tigers


(4) Kansas Jayhawks vs. (13) Northeastern Huskies

The husky uses its jumping skills to snag the jayhawk right out of the air.

Winner: Northeastern Huskies


(6) Iowa State Cyclones vs. (11) Ohio State Buckeyes

A cyclone is a tornado. Iowa State’s mascot is Cy the Cardinal technically, but I like the image of a tornado better. A buckeye is a nut from a tree. I don’t think mother nature is taking too many prisoners in her path of destruction.

Winner: Iowa State Cyclones


(3) Houston Cougars vs. (14) Georgia State Panthers

These two are… basically the same thing. I’m gonna give it to Houston, because I’m willing to be that T’Challa doesn’t stand much of a chance against an actual mountain lion. His heart wouldn’t be able to kill it, or something.

Winner: Houston Cougars



(7) Wofford Terriers vs. (10) Seton Hall Pirates

The terrier is a very fast dog. I’m gonna give the upset to the dog here, as he gnaws on the pirate’s peg leg long enough that it collapses and he falls into the ocean.

Winner: Wofford Terriers


(2) Kentucky Wildcats vs. (15) Abilene-Christian Wildcats

So, in the case of two teams having the same mascot, I’ve taken the best player from each college and pit them against each other in a game of one of one-on-one (or sometimes, I just combine the mascots like last year’s winner, the ClemsBurn SuperTigers). Here is a list of players who were drafted from the NBA from Abilene-Christian:

1964- Jim Reynolds (Cincinnati Royals)
1968- John Godfrey (Los Angeles Lakers)
1972- Kent Martens (Cleveland Cavaliers)
1973- Willie Calvert (Cleveland Cavaliers)

Take your pick.

De’Aaron Fox, Malik Monk and Bam Adebayo were all taken in the first round from Kentucky LAST YEAR.

You know what? Fuck it. No one wins. I hate Kentucky, and no one who goes to Abilene-Christian has the ultimate dream of going to the NBA. No one wins.

Winner: No one.

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Round of 32

(16) Iona Gaels vs. (8) Utah State Aggies
The Aggie likely has potatoes. The Gael… well, he’s from Ireland. I think we have our winner here. The Aggie starves the Gael out by refusing to share his potatoes.

Winner: Utah State Aggies


(5) Auburn Tigers vs. (13) Northeastern Huskies
WHY TIGER WHYYYYYYY.

Winner: Auburn Tigers


(6) Iowa State Cyclones vs. (3) Houston Cougars
Cyclones can reach speeds of up to 300 miles per hour on land and have a damage path up to a mile wide and 50 miles long. The cougar is bound to have a rock fall on it and trap it or something. Weather takes no prisoners.

Winner: Iowa State Cyclones


(7) Wofford Terriers vs. N/A because Wildcats are stupid
This is like another one of the Westminster Dog Show incidents. The terrier wins again by walkover.

Winner: Wofford Terriers


Sweet 16

(8) Utah State Aggies vs. (5) Auburn Tigers
Time to pull the rug out from underneath. The Utah State Aggies mascot is big blue, an ox. That Tiger is going to eat that ox for lunch.

Winner: Auburn Tigers


(6) Iowa State Cyclones vs. (7) Wofford Terriers
Oh, Toto… I’m not sure we’re in Kansas anymore…. Or in Dorothy’s arms.

Winner: Iowa State Cyclones


Elite 8

(5) Auburn Tigers vs. (6) Iowa State Cyclones
Tigers are not known to hibernate, meaning the poor cat would be left in the open at the mercy of the weather. The cyclone would cause mass destruction across the land, and the tiger would get caught in the crossfire.

Winner: Iowa State Cyclones


Iowa State advances to the Final Four

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Final Four​

​(2) Duke Blue Devils vs. (14) Northern Kentucky Norse
The French soldier has been through a lot. Surely he’s prepared to take on a group of...

NOPE. VIKINGS. They bludgeon the poor Frenchie and roast him over the fire. The Norse Force is on to the championship.

Winner: Northern Kentucky Norse


(3) Purdue Boilermakers vs. (6) Iowa State Cyclones
I was really having trouble figuring this one out. A cyclone is a cyclone, but a steam locomotive is a freaking steam locomotive. So I googled “train vs tornado” and this is what I found:

Winner: Iowa State Cyclones

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National Mascot Death Bracket Championship

(14) Northern Kentucky Norse vs. (6) Iowa State Cyclones

On the trip to the New World, or at least on a journey anywhere, vikings are prone to run into inclement weather. Of course, things are a little easier if Thor is on your side. The god of thunder helps clear a path for his fellow Norsemen as the cyclone dissipates. Because science.

Winner: Northern Kentucky Norse



This bracket was weirdly sponsored unofficially by Marvel? Because Avengers: Endgame is in theaters April 26th.

Who's your favorite mascot? What other absurd scenarios for this can you think of? Who's your pick to win the National Championship? Leave a comment down below.

The 2019 NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament begins Thursday, March 21st starting at 12:30pm on the networks of CBS.