March Madness 2018: The Great Mascot Death Bracket

March Madness 2018: The Great Mascot Death Bracket

This week is one of the major holidays on the sports calendar: The NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament. With the 68-field team set to begin first round play on Thursday, and with myself and a majority of this blog’s audience not really caring TOO too much about in-depth college basketball research and analysis, I thought I’d do something fun to kick off the brackets.

We’re going to pit the mascots against one another. No, not the guys who dress up in the costumes, but the actual nicknames that represent the schools.

The rules are simple: which mascot would win in a one-on-one, no-holds barred, fight to the death?

Feel free to fill out your brackets like this. Or don’t.

​Introducing the GREAT MASCOT DEATH BRACKET.

Let the battle BEGIN.

South Region

(1) Virginia Cavaliers vs. (16) Maryland-Baltimore County Retrievers

The “Retriever” in question here is that of a Chesapeake Bay Retriever, best utilized for retrieving waterfowl while on hunting trips. Coincidentally, a Cavalier is also a breed of Spaniel!

But this cavalier is a dude running around with a sword. This is your warning that there’s probably going to be a lot of puppies killed in this tournament. I’m not any happier about it than you are.

Winner: Virginia Cavaliers

​(8) Creighton Blue Jays vs. (9) Kansas State Wildcats

A blue jay versus a bobcat (at least, that’s what I’m assuming a “wildcat” is). Wildcat eats bird, as birds are, in fact, part of the wildcat’s natural diet. K-State wins.

Winner: Kansas State Wildcats

​​(5) Kentucky Wildcats vs. (12) Davidson Wildcats

Well this is fun. In the event of two schools having the same nickname, we have a draw. But I’m convinced Steph Curry could beat John Wall in a game of one-on-one, so.

Winner: Davidson Wildcats

​​(4) Arizona Wildcats vs. (13) Buffalo Bulls

One of Arizona’s colors is red. That wildcat stands no chance against an irate bull.

Winner: Buffalo Bulls

​​(6) Miami Hurricanes vs. (11) Loyola-Chicago Ramblers

The “Ramblers” nickname stems from their football program, which “rambled” from place to place for each game. Category 5-force winds will “ramble” Loyola-Chicago right out of this tournament.

Winner: Miami Hurricanes

​​(3) Tennessee Volunteers vs. (14) Wright State Raiders

A pirates against a dude from Tennessee. The Tennesseean volunteers as tribute, as the raider stabs him with his trusty blade.

Winner: Wright State Raiders

​​(7) Nevada Wolfpack vs. (10) Texas Longhorns

I think a pack of wolves could tear apart a longhorn steer, don’t you? The wolfpack have speed and numbers on their side. If they lose one or two to those deadly horns, it’s not too bad of a loss.

Winner: Nevada Wolfpack

​​(2) Cincinnati Bearcats vs. (15) Georgia State Panthers

Isn't he cute??

On paper, the prospect of a bearcat sounds BADASS. Like, something out of “Avatar: The Last Airbender.” However, bearcats, otherwise known as a binturong, is a creature native to Southeast Asia, which, when provoked, may urinate and defecate on a threat, before attacking it with sharp teeth and powerful jaws. I don’t care how fast a Black Panther can move, this particular one from Georgia State is about to get shat on. Literally.

Winner: Cincinnati Bearcats

Second Round
(1) Virginia Cavaliers vs. (9) Kansas State Wildcats
If the Cavalier can kill a dog, a cat should be no problem.

Winner: Virginia Cavaliers

(12) Davidson Wildcats vs. (13) Buffalo Bulls
Same shit, different wildcat. Except this one is even redder than the Arizona one. The bull continues its rampage by running through the wildcat.

Winner: Buffalo Bulls

(6) Miami Hurricanes vs. (14) Wright State Raiders
Pirates ride boats, right? You ever see the movie The Perfect Storm? That’s pretty much where I’m going with that.

Winner: Miami Hurricanes

(7) Nevada Wolfpack vs. (2) Cincinnati Bearcats
Again, the numbers game. The Wolfpack have only lost two members of the clan, and will avenge their deaths by eating the bearcat alive.

Winner: Nevada Wolfpack

Sweet Sixteen
(1) Virginia Cavaliers vs. (13) Buffalo Bulls
So, the bull has to be tired by this point. After hyping itself up by destroying not one, but two red wildcats, it now has to face a human with a sword. I’ve seen footage of bullfights, and it almost always ends poorly for the bull. Also, Virginia’s secondary color is orange, which will confuse the poor bull, struggling to decide to attack or not, while the cavalier’s sword provides the critical blow.

Winner: Virginia Cavaliers

(6) Miami Hurricanes vs. (7) Nevada Wolfpack
Wolves can only do so much. They can’t outrun a hurricane, though.

Winner: Miami Hurricanes

Elite Eight
(1) Virginia Cavaliers vs. (6) Miami Hurricanes
The hurricane has to face a man wearing heavy armor for the first time. The cavalier hides in his castle made of twelfth-century rocks, and rides the hurricane out.

Winner: Virginia Cavaliers

​Virginia Advances to Final Four

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West Region

First Round​
ENTRY BATTLE ROYAL! (1) Xavier Musketeers vs. (16) North Carolina Central Eagles vs. (16) Texas Southern Tigers

I think there has to be some kind of double-team happening on the Musketeer here, don’t you? The Tiger can attack from the ground while the eagle dive bombs from the sky. The Musketeer tries to swat the bird, allowing the tiger to take a bite of his legs, or something. Oh, and the tiger eats the eagle for dessert. Muskets probably aren’t good for close combat fighting, all in all.

Winner: Texas Southern Tigers

​(8) Missouri Tigers vs. (9) Florida State Seminoles

The Seminoles, even before Europeans introduced them to guns, were able to hunt and eat alligators. That’s some toughness. Of course, a tiger is much more agile than an alligator. But the Europeans gave the Seminoles guns. Don’t mess with the tomahawk chant.

Winner: Florida State Seminoles

​​(5) Ohio State Buckeyes vs. (12) South Dakota State Jackrabbits

Ordinarily, one would think a nut would fit well into a rabbit’s diet, right? Well, apparently, nuts are high in starches and sugars, and if a rabbit ate one, it would “wreak havoc on the rabbit's gastrointestinal tract.” Also, buckeye nuts are poisonous when they’re eaten raw. So, in addition to the rabbit having some tummy trouble, he's probably fatally poisoned. I think the buckeye miraculously wins this round.

Winner: Ohio State Buckeyes

​​(4) Gonzaga Bulldogs vs. (13) UNC Greensboro Spartans

This is one of those times where I’m sad that we have to kill another dog. UGH.

Winner: UNC Greensboro Spartans

​(6) Houston Cougars vs (11) San Diego State Aztecs

So the Aztec, a highly skilled Central American warrior, is probably skilled in hunting and killing big game cats. I think the cougar gets hit with some poison dart or something like that.

Winner: San Diego State Aztecs

​​(3) Michigan Wolverines vs (14) Montana Grizzlies

If this isn’t a battle for the north, I don’t know what is. Now the grizzly bear is a force to be reckoned with, but wolverines have such powerful teeth, they’ve been known to topple animals as big as moose. I’m taking the wolverine here.

Winner: Michigan Wolverines

​(7) Texas A&M Aggies vs. (10) Providence Friars

An Aggie is simply short for one who dabbles in agriculture- in short, an aggie is a farmer. A friar is, for lack of a better term, a religious clergyman or catholic monk. Since the friar probably isn’t prone to violence, I can imagine something a little different:

The friar actually assists the farmer guy in helping to farm. After he helps plant his share of the potatoes, the friar has to leave for other religious devotions elsewhere. The aggie is killed in an unfortunate tractor accident unrelated to being helped by the friar.

Winner: Providence Friars

​​(2) North Carolina Tar Heels vs. (15) Lipscomb Bisons

A “tar heel” is a nickname for a citizen of North Carolina, popularized during the civil war: “they would stick to their ranks like they had tar on their heels!”

Unfortunately, if this were true, it probably wouldn’t do them much good being stuck in one place. The North Carolina guy is run over by the Bison.

Winner: Lipscomb Bisons

​Second Round
(16) Texas Southern Tigers vs. (9) Florida State Seminoles
Well, the Seminole just beat one tiger. Who’s to say he couldn’t beat another one?

Winner: Florida State Seminoles

(5) Ohio State Buckeyes vs. (13) UNC Greensboro Spartans
Again, the buckeye is a nut. I’m going to guess that this particular spartan doesn’t have much experience when it comes to American botany and fruit-bearing trees. He eats the buckeye. The buckeye poisons him and he dies. A NUT has made it to the sweet sixteen.

Winner: Ohio State Buckeyes

(11) San Diego State Aztecs vs. (3) Michigan Wolverines
I think in the battle of human vs animal, the human has the edge. Don’t count out that wolverine, though. Those things are vicious.

Winner: San Diego State Aztecs

(10) Providence Friars vs. (15) Lipscomb Bisons
The friar is actually super nice to the bison, feeding him, giving him water, cleaning off his coat, etc. The friar is so nice to the bison, in fact, that the two go their separate ways, and the bison names his son after the friar. The friar wins solely on lifespan, outlasting the bison’s 15 years.

Winner: Providence Friars


Sweet Sixteen
(9) Florida State Seminoles vs. (5) Ohio State Buckeyes
Okay, enough playing around. The Seminole’s gonna roast that buckeye on an open fire and eat it with his dinner. He’s smart. Next!

Winner: Florida State Seminoles

(11) San Diego State Aztecs vs. (10) Providence Friars
The Aztecs were holy people, and the friar attempts to teach them about Christianity. Unfortunately, we saw how that turned out when the Spanish explorers came to Central America. The unarmed friar doesn’t stand a chance against a strong Aztec warrior.

Winner: San Diego State Aztecs

Elite Eight
(9) Florida State Seminoles vs. (11) San Diego State Aztecs
The two are both strong tribes with solid warriors. Although, remember how I said the Europeans gave guns to the Seminoles? Yeah, about that.

Winner: Florida State Seminoles

​Florida State Advances to Final Four
​

East Region

First Round
ENTRY BATTLE ROYAL: (1) Villanova Wildcats vs. (16) LIU Brooklyn Blackbirds vs. (16) Radford Highlanders

The highlander, a native of Scotland, is probably a tough enough guy that he could take both the wildcat and the blackbird with one hand tied behind his back. Based on purely because I picture him with a kilt and a flowing red beard, the highlander wins.

Winner: Radford Highlanders

​​(8) Virginia Tech Hokies vs. (9) Alabama Crimson Tide

The Hokies, for lack of a better term, are essentially a turkey. The Crimson Tide feature an elephant, so we’ll go with that. Elephants might be scared of mice, but I don’t think they have anything to be worried about with a turkey.

Winner: Alabama Crimson Tide

​​(5) West Virginia Mountaineers vs. (12) Murray State Racers

The dude with the Davy Crockett hat and the beard hops aboard the race horse, and said race horse carries him to the next round.

Winner: West Virginia Mountaineers

​(4) Wichita State Shockers vs. (13) Marshall Thundering Herd

This is a glorified squash match. Let’s see here: a shocker is someone who picks wheat. The word “shocker” is probably as intimidating as it gets.

This is the Wichita State mascot. He is literally made of wheat. No scythe for defense, no pitchfork, no nothing. Just wheat.
His opponent is literally a thundering herd. He’s dead where he stands.

Winner: Marshall Thundering Herd

​ENTRY BATTLE ROYAL: (6) Florida Gators vs. (11) St. Bonaventure Bonnies vs. (11) UCLA Bruins

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This is one of the more intriguing matchups of the first round. The Bonnie, short for the Bona Wolf, might be the first one to go here, as an alligator can use his surroundings to camouflage itself and then quickly strike and drown the wolf. I’m also no animal expert, but I don’t think a bear would be able to survive the strength of an alligator bite. The gator wins this one.

Winner: Florida Gators

​​(3) Texas Tech Red Raiders vs. (14) Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks

It’s dude with sword and gun against dude with axe. The lumberjack’s beard is formidable, but it takes way too long to chop down a tree on his opponent, and the red raider will probably shoot the lumberjack before we get too far into this thing.

Winner: Texas Tech Red Raiders

​​(7) Arkansas Razorbacks vs (10) Butler Bulldogs

Aww, man. I don’t like having to do this. The razorback is simply a feral pig. I don’t think the bulldog stands much chance.

Winner: Arizona Razorbacks

​​(2) Purdue Boilermakers vs. (15) Cal State Fullerton Titans

A boilermaker is defined as “a trained craftsman who produces steel fabrications from plates and tubes.” Also, I guess the students at Purdue had hands-on experience at one time in constructing an actual steam locomotive. But a Titan is one of those nasty-looking god-type things from the movie Hercules who will probably fuck your shit up.

(Edit: The Cal State Fullerton Titan is actually an elephant named Tuffy the Titan. But I prefer the mythical being, so we’re going with that. We already have an elephant in this bracket anyways.)

I’m gonna take the divine being over the guy with the sledgehammer.
​
Winner: Cal State Fullerton Titans

​Second Round
(16) Radford Highlanders vs. (9) Alabama Crimson Tide
The Scotsman is gonna take that elephant to school. There can only be one.

Winner: Radford Highlanders

(5) West Virginia Mountaineers vs. (13) Marshall Thundering Herd
The mountaineer probably has experience hunting buffalo. Miraculously, the mountaineer sets traps for the thundering herd, steering them away from his path. Think the trailer for the movie Alpha. Or the wildebeests from The Lion King.

Winner: West Virginia Mountaineers

(6) Florida Gators vs. (3) Texas Tech Red Raiders
The human can climb trees. The gator cannot. The raider has a gun and an incredible red mustache. The gator does not. Round two goes to the red raider.

Winner: Texas Tech Red Raiders


(7) Arizona Razorbacks vs. (15) Cal State Fullerton Titans
The pig gets sacrificed to the gods. Next!

Winner: Cal State Fullerton Titans

Sweet Sixteen
(16) Radford Highlanders vs. (4) West Virginia Mountaineers
Ooh, this one will be fun. Two men of the high grounds. However, the edge has to go to the mountaineer, whose use of the hunting rifle probably outdoes the weaponry of the highlander. Sorry, laddie.

Winner: West Virginia Mountaineers

(3) Texas Tech Red Raiders vs. (15) Cal State Fullerton Titans
It now comes time for the red raider to exercise his strength in raiding. In the dark of night, the red raider pillages the titan’s home, stealing a sacred amulet. He tosses the sacred amulet into the fires of Mt. Doom before the planets all align and the titan is destroyed. In a historic upset, the red raider moves to the Elite Eight.

Winner: Texas Tech Red Raiders

Elite Eight

(4) West Virginia Mountaineers vs. (3) Texas Tech Red Raiders
This is a bit too difficult to decide. Both men have exceptional facial hair. Both men have guns. I guess the red raider has a knack for raiding and pillaging, but the mountaineer’s vast knowledge of the land gives him the element of home field advantage.

One the dueling ground, however, the red raider’s more advanced revolver pistol is faster to load than the mountaineer’s musket. The red raider is our east regional champion.

Winner: Texas Tech Red Raiders

Texas Tech Advances to Final Four

Midwest Region

First Round
​(1) Kansas Jayhawks vs. (16) Penn Quakers

Speaking of Quakers...

Oatmeal is an excellent source of nutrition for birds, so obviously the quakers use their quaker oats to reel the jayhawk in… before using the oatmeal to fatten him up and cook him over the fire.

Winner: Penn Quakers

​​(8) Seton Hall Pirates vs. (9) NC State Wolfpack

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We already had a pack of wolves rip apart a longhorn steer. The pirate might be able to get a hold of one or two wolves, but there’s no way he’s taking down all of them.

Winner: NC State Wolfpack

​​(5) Clemson Tigers vs. (12) New Mexico State Aggies

Again, an Aggie is a farmer person who probably has no experience dealing with big cats of this nature. The Tiger eats the farmer and all of his vegetables.

Winner: Clemson Tigers

​​(4) Auburn Tigers vs. (13) Charleston Cougars

This is almost too close. The cougar can outrun the tiger, but the tiger is a lot larger and has more bite power. I give it to the tiger on this one.

Winner: Auburn Tigers

​​ENTRY BATTLE ROYAL: (6) TCU Horned Frogs vs. (11) Arizona State Sun Devils vs. (11) Syracuse Orange

This particularly horned frog is actually a texas horned lizard. A pretty scary-looking, but ultimately non-threatening lizard. The Arizona State Sun Devil is a classified as a “mischievous imp” who carries around a trident. The Syracuse Orange is, well, an orange. Like the fruit.

The sun devil spears both the horned frog and the orange.

Winner: Arizona State Sun Devils

​​(3) Michigan State Spartans vs. (14) Bucknell Bison

Even though the bison might be able to give the spartan a good bump, the spartan’s armor keeps him safe enough to dole out a fatal blow to the bison.

Winner: Michigan State Spartans

​​(7) Rhode Island Rams vs. (10) Oklahoma Sooners

A sooner is a defined as a settler from Oklahoma, who are so-called because they were allowed to enter the unorganized territories earlier than other settlers. They would sometimes do it by the light of the moon, hiding in ditches at night and emerging to steal claims to land before the other settlers.

Ya know what? I’m giving it to the ram on this one. He’ll destroy your wagon while you’re catching up on your sleep and you’ll die of dysentery.

Winner: Rhode Island Rams ​

(2) Duke Blue Devils vs. (15) Iona Gaels

The Blue Devils get their name from the French “les Diables Bleus,” the nickname given to the French Alpine light infantry division during World War I. A gael in this case is defined as an inhabitant of northwestern Europe, one who is Irish and Scottish.

While ordinarily the Scotsman/Irishman would probably destroy a normal Frenchman, this particular Frenchman is heavily armed and has an amazing nickname.

Winner: Duke Blue Devils

​Second Round
(16) Penn Quakers vs. (9) NC State Wolfpack

Smack those lips, wolves. Quaker Oats guy is about to get devoured.

Winner: NC State Wolfpack

(5) Clemson Tigers vs. (4) Auburn Tigers
Stop, stop, stop. Enough. This game is a draw. The winner is the amalgamated version of the two: The Clemsburn SuperTigers.

Winner: Clemsburn SuperTigers

(11) Arizona State Sun Devils vs. (3) Michigan State Spartans
Ahh, now this is a matchup. That trident might do a fair bit of damage to the spartan’s armor, but the spartan is a highly trained warrior and knows how to save his energy. He slices the imp’s head off after a long, hard-fought battle.

Winner: Michigan State Spartans

(7) Rhode Island Rams vs. (2) Duke Blue Devils
The ram can fight tooth and horn to try to knock out that blue devil, but this highly trained French soldier knows how this one has to end.

Winner: Duke Blue Devils

Sweet Sixteen
(9) NC State Wolfpack vs. (5/4) Clemsburn SuperTigers
The pack of wolves are ready to strike, but…

NOPE. Super Tiger.

Winner: Clemsburn SuperTigers

(3) Michigan State Spartans vs. (2) Duke Blue Devils
This is where the spartan’s armor begins to weigh him down. We’re also assuming the Blue Devil has pinpoint accuracy with that rifle. It’s like when Achilles took an arrow to the heel. The Blue Devil will find the weak spot. Was Achilles Greek? I think he was Greek. Or maybe Roman. Oh well.

Edit: Achilles was Greek. Go me!

Winner: Duke Blue Devils

Elite Eight
(5/4) Clemsburn SuperTigers vs. (2) Duke Blue Devils
This is kinda like The Revenant, except 100 years later and the guy is French and the bear is a genetically mutated tiger. Regardless of how great a soldier this blue devil is, I’m taking the genetically-mutated tiger. SuperTigers FTW.

Winner: Clemsburn SuperTIgers

Final Four

(1) Virginia Cavaliers vs. (9) Florida State Seminoles
East meets West. Old World meets New World. Remember that the Seminole does have that gun he received from the Europeans, and the cavalier probably does not. I mean, the cavalier probably introduced smallpox, but the Seminole probably shot him before he was infected. By a nose, the Seminole advances to the championship.

Winner: Florida State Seminoles

(3) Texas Tech Red Raiders vs. (5/4) Clemsburn SuperTigers
I love the red raider. I really do. This Yosemite Sam/Yukon Cornelius-type has really gotten to me. But the SuperTiger is about to rip his beard off and shoot him in the face with his own gun.

Winner: Clemsburn SuperTigers

NCAA Championship
Florida State Seminoles vs. Clemsburn SuperTigers
The Seminole has miraculously made its way to the final. I think it’ll be all for naught though, as the SuperTiger is going to rip right through him… and possibly make his way to another part of the world to start breeding new genetically-mutated big cats. I feel like this is the start of a new Planet of the Apes-type spinoff. Take shelter.

Winner: Clemsburn SuperTigers

Fill out your brackets! The NCAA Tournament starts Thursday, March 15th on CBS, TBS, TNT, and TruTV.