The Wrap Sheet, January 2019

The Wrap Sheet, January 2019
A monthly airing of thoughts and grievances

It’s cold.

It’s very, very cold.

Like, some places in the Midwest are colder than Antarctica.
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The Polar Vortex is here and it is running rampant on cities like Chicago and Minneapolis. Temperatures colder than 20 below zero. Wind chills reach as far as 50 below. ​

Remember how climate change is a thing?

Look at this person throwing water on glass in Chicago and LOOK HOW FAST IT FREEZES.

How quickly the water freezes on this glass in Chicago from r/oddlysatisfying

January has 31 days in it, and dear God did this month feel like it had 31 days in it. There’s lots to talk about. A lot of it is good, some of it is not so good, but it all happened.

Let’s begin the first Wrap Sheet of 2019 on New Year’s Day, as Anderson Cooper took shots with Andy Cohen before the ball dropped. And, my goodness, was Cooper’s shot face absolutely priceless.
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Now, I’m not one for taking straight shots of anything, so I would probably have this kind of reaction as well, but I don’t think mine involved literal squawking.

Cohen and Cooper did shots at every top of the hour leading up to the stroke of midnight, and you would think that after seeing and hearing Anderson’s shot face, it would lose its luster after the first time.

It doesn’t. It’s just as funny after the third shot as it is after the first.
What else happened this month…

Politics!

​OH YES!

There were a bunch of Democrats sworn into Congress, as the blue party reclaimed the majority in the House of Representatives during the 2018 midterm elections, the first major referendum of Donald Trump’s presidency.

A record 127 women were sworn into Congress, 106 of them Democrats. 25 women (17 of them Democrats) were sworn into the Senate. Overall, women make up 24 percent of the U.S. Congress, which makes history for not just an outstanding number of women, but also the number of African-American and Hispanic members sworn in.

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For the first time, two Muslim-American women were elected: Ilhan Omar (D-MN, America’s first Somali-American Congresswoman) and Rashida Tlaib (D-MI).
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Two Native American women were also sworn in on Inauguration Day: Deb Haaland (D-NM) and Sharice Davids (D-KS). Davids is the first openly-LGBT representative of any kind from Kansas, defeating her Republican opponent by nearly a double-digit margin.
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The midterms marked the first time states like Connecticut and Massachusetts elected black women, as Jahana Hayes (D-CT) and Ayanna Pressley (D-MA) were both sworn in.
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Sylvia Garcia and Veronica Escobar, both Democrats from Texas, became the state’s first Latinas sworn into Congress. Pretty impressive, considering 40 percent of the state is Latino.
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Arizona elected two female senators, Kyrsten Sinema and Martha McSally. Sinema is the first openly bisexual woman ever elected to the senate, and became the first Democrat in 30 years to win a senate seat from Arizona. Iowa also elected its first two Congresswomen, as Cindy Axne and Abby Finkenauer defeated male Republican incumbents.
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And then, there is Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, my new favorite human of all time.
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​AOC is the youngest woman ever elected to Congress, representing New York’s 14th district.

She’s a former organizer for Bernie Sanders, a fierce critic of Donald Trump, and a staunch progressive with a super strong social media presence. She’s an advocate for “generational, racial, and ideological change.”

She also knows how to use social media (which is more than literally every other politician can say), and she’s my spirit animal.

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And then this story dropped about Ocasio-Cortez wearing some fancy shoes to work. Republican Congressmen called her out for being hypocritical, advocating for economic change in the middle and lower class while wearing nice clothes.

And homegirl clapped BACK.

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The fact that wrinkly old white men are trying to cut down a 29-year old woman shows me immediately that they feel threatened by her. It shows me that the Millennials are coming, and that the outlook for the Baby Boomers (at least in government) looks grim. ​
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Sports!

I want to touch on some sports things very quickly, because a lot of you are upset that the Patriots are in the Super Bowl again.

I also want to reiterate that no one cares what you think. If you’re so sick of the Patriots winning all the time, maybe you should learn how to beat them.

They’re cheaters but they have the refs in their pockets? Okay. Keep grabbing at those straws. First rule of getting out of the hole: Stop digging.

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But speaking of some ref ball being played, let’s talk about the NFC Championship. In particular, let’s talk about the no-call made in the fourth quarter with the game essentially on the line, when Rams CB Nickell Robey-Coleman flattened Saints WR TommyLee Lewis that should have drawn a pass interference call, or an unnecessary roughness foul. Either of the two would have given the Saints a first down, where they could have run the clock all the way down and kicked a game-winning field goal to send them to the Super Bowl.

But that didn’t happen. There was no call.

I don’t believe for one second that there’s any corruption to be had between the Rams and the referees. Sure, there have been reports that four of the officials from the game have Southern California ties, but I highly doubt that there was a blatant attempt to get the Rams to the Super Bowl.

If you want to talk NFL conspiracy theories, wouldn’t the main motive of the conspiracy be to get the Saints to the Super Bowl so Brees and Brady can have an all-time classic in the Super Bowl?

If anything, it's as if the NFL was trying to get a Rams/Chiefs Super Bowl, seemingly knowing the Chiefs would defeat the Patriots. 

That last point made zero sense. I digress.

There should have been a flag thrown. The Saints got hosed on the call.

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​But they also had the ball first in overtime and Drew Brees threw an interception. So there’s that. You had a chance to win the game (and you probably should have), and you couldn’t.

And now, because of your own team’s shortcomings, you (and by you, I am referring to Saints fans) have placed the blame on anyone but your own team, and are actually calling for the Commissioner to invoke an obscure rule that would allow the game to be restarted at that exact point, in hopes that your team would win the game.

What (and I cannot stress this enough) the actual fuck is the matter with you?

Stop whining. Everyone was sympathetic for you before, but now it’s just annoying. You’re going to boycott watching the Super Bowl?

Great. Your team isn’t playing in it anyways. See if the rest of the country cares.

It is NOT the league’s fault that your team has had two heartbreak playoff losses in consecutive seasons. When it comes down to it, it is your own fault.

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When all Marcus Williams had to do was tackle Stefon Diggs in the Divisional Playoff last year, he couldn’t. The Vikings won the game on a walk-off touchdown. You had all the momentum in that game, coming back from 17-0.

You were up 13-0 at HOME in this one. You were up 20-10 in the third quarter. You should win that game regardless. But you couldn’t hold the Rams and had to settle for overtime.

And for all the complaining that people did for overtime in the New England-Kansas City game, the Saints had the ball first.

It was a shitty call (or, no-call) at the worst possible moment. Unfortunately, these things happen. Calls get blown. Sorry about it.

I have always thought it would be a good idea for the NFL to adopt the CFL’s policy of making pass interference reviewable (in fact, it would have been good to have on the OT interception, as I still don’t think the ball was tipped coming out of Brees’ hands, where John Johnson had to essentially tackle the receiver he was covering before making the pick).

GOD I could go off on the state of professional football in some kind of rambling and all the bullshit that’s gone on between the league, its players and its fans in the past five years.

​But that’s another story for another day. Let’s talk about gymnastics, yes?
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​This is Katelyn Ohashi. She’s a junior at UCLA, and she’s really good at gymnastics, you guys.

This is her floor routine at the 2019 collegiate challenge.

Ohashi has been on the world stage before, actually defeating U.S. teammate Simone Biles in the American Cup back in 2013. However, various injuries and subsequent surgeries have kept her from competing at the elite level since early 2014.

But this… this is impressive. Like, this is a jaw-droppingly good routine.

Another thing that strikes me about this routine is the sheer elation and love for the sport. It’s the best when you can see the pure joy on someone’s face when they’re doing (and thriving at) what they love. Ohashi looks so damn happy as she dances around the mat (and also every single one of those maneuvers though…) and it’s really difficult not to smile while watching that video.

This routine was, as you can guess, a perfect ten- the fourth perfect ten floor routine of her career.

You’re a gem, Katelyn Ohashi. Thank you for brightening the internet with your passion and excitement for your sport.

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In absurd news, there was an egg that took the internet by storm, garnering the most likes on a single Instagram picture.

And it’s not any kind of special egg.

It’s just an egg.

This egg.

​The egg surpassed Kylie Jenner’s previously most-liked photo of her newborn baby clutching her finger. Before the egg, Jenner’s post had amassed 18.1 million likes.

As of writing, this egg (posted by the account @world_record_egg) has garnered 52 million likes, shattering the previous record.

This thing spread like wildfire- and it’s not like there was any sort of annoying mass social media campaign or anything. I think I saw it maybe two or three times total.

“Hey, look at this picture of an egg. You should like it.”

“This is very wholesome. I will like it.”

And then 52 million other people thought the same way.

Kylie Jenner’s response to the egg is also quite funny.

It’s nice to see something so wholesome reigning supreme on the internet (and not taking anything away from Kylie and her baby). Nothing divisive, nothing with any kind of preconceived notion attached to it- just an egg.

With 52 million likes. You can add more by clicking HERE and liking the image.

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In something you may not have seen this weekend but definitely something I saw on Reddit, here’s a video of a helicopter rescuing a climber while masterfully getting close to a snowy mountain and managing to not kill himself or the climber.

Placement.

For 2019, I’m going to introduce some new segments!

The first of which is our...

DOUCHEBAG OF THE MONTH

​Meet Nick Sandmann.

He’s a junior at Covington Catholic High School in Kentucky.

He’s also this asshole, who can be seen in a viral news video smugly facing off with a Native American elder during the Indigenous Peoples March at the Lincoln Memorial.

You know. That kid in the Make America Great Again hat.

As the elder beats a drum, Sandmann simply smiles at him with this pompous grin on his face, as other teenagers laugh, jump around and seemingly mock the actions of the Native American marchers.

Having been not so popular in high school, I have seen this look before. It’s been directed at me. It frustrated and flustered me to no end. To be met with disingenuous and patronizing smiles and mocking faces from bullies while I was just trying to live my life.

The main thing about this smile is that it not only comes off as menacing; it is menacing. It’s meant to be mocking and, in the case of the hat and everything the MAGA hat-wearers stand for, it’s meant to be imposing on those who aren’t like the young white men wearing the hat.

Sandmann submitted a statement to CNN saying he was trying to diffuse the situation, citing his faith “taught [him]... to be respectful of others, and to take no action that would lead to conflict or violence.”

How about just flat out staying away from the marches then, huh, boss? Instead of shoving your smackable face on television for the world to pick you apart?

Sandmann went on to urge people to watch longer versions of the clip online, saying that “they show a much different story than is being portrayed people with agendas.”

Gag me.

Nathan Phillips, a Vietnam war veteran who is the man beating the drum in the video, said he did not feel safe inside the circle of teenagers that had formed at the Lincoln Memorial. He began to play his drum and chanting what supposedly was a healing prayer in order to ease the situation.

According to those at the march and around the circle, the feeling was described as “tense,” and that chants of “Build the wall” and “Trump 2020” were heard in the shuffle.

Sandmann went on to say that he was confused as to why Phillips was in his face, even going so far to say that the protesters were trying to “provoke teenagers.”

Give me a break. Not a single person feels bad for you, you scum.

The fact that the Roman Catholic Diocese of Covington has made moves to investigate the actions of the teenagers means that there was probably intent to intimidate or bully the Native American protesters.

For all the entitlement that conservatives and Republican politicians claim occurs on the liberal or Democrat side, they are not without fault themselves. When people call them out on their shit, they backtrack and deny anything happened.

A tip: the television footage of some snot nosed Catholic school bro giving the “I have all the power” smile to a Native American protester looks TERRIBLE.

This asshole looks like he’s proud of what he’s doing. And I want to slap the privilege right off his smug little face.

I’m so mad I can hardly put words together. Except for "Nick Sandmann is our Douchebag of the Month!"

And finally, the best thing I saw this month.
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The Best Thing I Saw This Month!

This is a commercial that Gillette released midway through the month.

The razor company’s slogan is “The Best a Man Can Get,” but even challenges men to be better men. To call out other men whose masculinity can be seen as toxic.
If you’re a man, did this commercial make you angry?

Good. That was the point.

Can’t deal with people calling you out on your shit? Good. Maybe you shouldn’t try to pull your shit and be a better fucking person.

There is nothing wrong with going to the bar with the boys and having a beer or playing pool or watching football or WHATEVER.

Bullying. Street harassment. Domestic violence. The idea that “boys will be boys.” Why haven’t we learned to be better people?

My favorite argument is probably the “not all men” argument. Because it’s the men who say “not all men” that make themselves look like the assholes- they look defensive and they look, honestly, weak.

You can view this ad as a generalization against men and an attack on masculinity, but if you really believe that it’s “not all men,” if it’s not you, why not help the men that ARE to blame here?

Nobody is perfect. We can ALL afford to be better people. And if that makes you angry, maybe, just like when you shave, you need to take a good look in the mirror.

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I’m really sorry I took so long to get this up, you guys. It’s been a rough last few weeks for me- I’m in the middle of moving and working multiple jobs at all hours of the day. But I didn’t forget and I’m really happy you’re all still here and reading.

Please be good to each other.

And stay warm.

Happy February!

Andrew

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