73rd Tony Awards Predictions James Corden will return to host the 2019 Tony Awards. Ah yes, the annual “come see our shows” show for the Great White Way. This year showed a massive improvement from last year in terms of quality in both the play and musical scene. That’s right, both the play and musicals this season have been astoundingly impressive. Initially it was though that only the plays were going to stand out this year, with the likes of To Kill a Mockingbird, Network, The Ferryman, Choir Boy, The Waverly Gallery, Gary, and What the Constitution Means to Me all having standout spots on Broadway this year, many of which either announced or premiered in 2018. But the musicals, never to be counted out, had a serious charge in the spring. Shows like Ain’t Too Proud, Beetlejuice, Tootsie, Hadestown, Oklahoma!, and even The Prom, which still continues to stay strong despite the onslaught of shows opening after it. The performances were strong as well. Movie stars and veteran stage actors alike gave fantastic performances. Bryan Cranston, Jeff Daniels and Adam Driver, along with Paddy Considine and the incomparable Jeremy Pope highlight the Best Actor in a Play category, while the women have SIX nominees, including the likes of Laurie Metcalf (who we’ve never seen before), Janet McTeer, Elaine May (at the age of 87), and Annette Bening. On the musical side, we saw spectacular musical performances this year… and dare I say there were too many to count? The entire cast of Hadestown, including Eva Noblezada, Andre De Shields, Amber Gray, and Patrick Page. The cast of The Prom: Caitlin Kinnunen, Beth Leavel, and Brooks Ashmanskas- even with fabulous supporting performances from Christopher Sieber, Angie Schworer and Michael Potts. Careers could be made this year. Santino Fontana in Tootsie. Stephanie J. Block in The Cher Show. Ali Stroker in Oklahoma!. Ephraim Sykes in Ain’t Too Proud. There were even performances from this year that didn’t get nominated (although why, I’m not sure). Bonnie Milligan in Head Over Heels stands out. Stephanie Styles in Kiss Me Kate does too. Tracy Letts in All My Sons. And countless more. This was a really good year for Broadway, all things considered. And since the Tony Awards are on Sunday, let’s take a look at who’s walking home with those shiny little spinner things. Best Musical Reeve Carney and Eva Noblezada star in "Hadestown." The nominees:
For the first time in quite a while, we have a very likeable group of Best Musical nominees that I would be happy if any of them won. Hadestown is the clear favorite, which means it’s Rachel Chavkin and Anaïs Mitchell’s New Orleans jazz/Greek tragedy fusion piece to lose. The show really is that good, and it’s worth every dollar (and trust me, some of these tickets may cost you every dollar you have) to see. Hadestown features an eclectic cast of actors including the Amber Gray, Patrick Page, Andre De Shields, Eva Noblezada, and Reeve Carney. The score is this really interesting jazz/folk/songwriter blend, with songs that you can actually (gasp) walk away singing? What a concept. And then there’s the stagecraft- absolutely brilliant lights, sound, costumes and set reminiscent of Rachel Chavkin’s previous endeavor, Natasha, Pierre & the Great Comet of 1812. And despite it being a story everyone knows (Orpheus and Eurydice), it still holds up as a brilliant retelling of an old classic, with twists and turns that still hit home. It’s the favorite for a reason, and I certainly thought the same when I saw it.  Christopher Sieber, Angie Schworer, Beth Leavel, Brooks Ashmanskas, Josh Lamon, and the company of "The Prom." And then I saw The Prom. As a preface, it is very difficult for me to cry while watching live theatre. So much has to go right, and if something ruins it for you (like a hearing aid going off throughout the entire second act of Hadestown), you feel like your money was wasted a little bit, and it’s unlikely you’ll be able to dish out another hefty sum of money to see something again. The show really has to take you to another place. It wasn’t until I saw Waitress with Sara Bareilles that I experienced such a thing. So when I was a hot mess at the end of The Prom, even though I was sitting in the balcony, that showed me that I was seeing something special. I went on a journey seeing this show. I went from really not being into it for the first 15 minutes or so, to the show literally sitting me down and saying “HEY. This is the reason why we go to the theatre. Give your critical eye a rest for two goddamn seconds and have FUN.” The twists. The turns. The emotions. The TEARS. What I see in this show is so much love, so much joy, so much “love is a good thing that we should be celebrating.” I see a lot of Head Over Heels in The Prom (it’s just done a lot better, sorry, Hudson family). I truly wanted to live in that world when I was watching it. And, funny enough, it has the fewest nominations of any of the Best Musical nominees (7). The Prom is the right story for Tony voters to select it as Best Musical. The other shows in this category are also formidable; props to the Wing for getting this category correct. Ain’t Too Proud has 12 Tony nominations, Tootsie, 11. Beetlejuice has 8. These shows are not here by accident. I tend to overanalyze these things based on what the best-looking scenario is on paper. So, I’m going with my gut. Hadestown is not the next Hamilton (nor is it close), but it’s sure blowing up like it’s the next Evan Hansen, and that’s good enough for me. But trust me- Hadestown isn't going to run away with these awards like many thought it would. And if there’s some kind of shocking twist, you can bet The Prom will best next in line for the crown. Will win: Hadestown Should win: Dare I say… The Prom? Could win: Tootsie Best Play Paddy Considine (center) and the cast of "The Ferryman." The nominees:
The biggest shock to this category was the exclusion of both To Kill a Mockingbird and Network, two plays that many surely considered locks, and potentially even contenders to win. But since those two are out, we have to deal with what we’re left with, which leaves the race pretty much wide open. One of the current favorites has to be Heidi Schreck’s What the Constitution Means to Me, which earned itself a nomination for the Pulitzer Prize for Drama. I think based on what the Tony Awards are, which is an enormous advertisement for Broadway so that tourists will come to New York and keep it afloat, giving Constitution the win seems like the obvious move. It’s political. It’s emotional. It’s timely. It is yet another “fuck you” from the theatre community to the American political machine. Which is why I think it would be an easy, relatable, safe choice to make. I’m not knocking What the Constitution Means to Me, but the praise that has been heaped on it and its Pulitzer Prize nomination signal that everyone’s riding that wave right into the Tony Awards. But in my opinion, the Best Play of this category (and of this year) was The Ferryman. Despite changing casts midway through the run, it earned tremendous praise, including a Critic’s Pick from The New York Times. And just when I thought it had run out of momentum and Constitution was a lock to win, Ferryman picked up Best Play awards at the Drama Desk, Outer Critics’ Circle, and Drama League Awards, defeating Constitution at all three turns. I’ve gone back and forth with this selection. Initially, and for the longest period of time, I had Heidi Schreck and Constitution pulling the upset. But now I’m going with my gut. Ferryman forever. What time is it? Will and should win: The Ferryman Could win: What the Constitution Means to Me Best Revival of a Musical The intimate revival of Rodgers and Hammerstein's "Oklahoma!" at Circle in the Square theatre. The nominees:
Two extremely traditional shows received revamps this year. One of them was your typical, run-of-the-mill-revival- a squeaky-clean, Roundabout Theatre Company-subscriber-friendly remounting. The other was a complete re-imagining of an American classic, stripped down from its big Broadway roots of the 1930s and rebuilt “for the 21st century” in a small, intimate environment. The question is: which show will resonate with Tony voters more? I think because it tried to go to such great lengths, and to have a lot of it work, Oklahoma! will stand out further than Kiss Me, Kate will. Will win: Oklahoma! Could win: Kiss Me, Kate Best Revival of a Play The revival of "The Boys in the Band." The nominees:
This category is tough, because only two of the shows nominated are currently running. The other three were all early season shows that closed either before or shortly after January 2019. Of those two that are still running, Burn This is the better production (and I’m not just saying that because I work there- I work at Roundabout too, and I’ve seen All My Sons), but it all depends on which show resonates with voters more, or which ones the Wing chooses to remember the fondest. The Waverly Gallery has Elaine May and a Kenneth Lonergan nomination from last year going for it. Torch Song closed early, but garnered favorable reviews. The Boys in the Band was the first show to open in the 2018-19 season, but thanks to Ryan Murphy, will be getting a Netflix special made from it, reminding voters that it exists. I think, of the major production awards, this one is shrouded in the most mystery. Early on, The Waverly Gallery was the favorite, and I think that remains true heading into June. But don’t be surprised if The Boys in the Band or Burn This pull the upset. Will win: The Waverly Gallery Could win: The Boys in the Band or Burn This Best Performance by a Leading Actor in a Musical Santino Fontana stars as Michael Dorsey/Dorothy Michaels in "Tootsie." The nominees:
Five men, five vastly different stories. There’s been some controversy surrounding Tootsie, but if I could stick my nose where it might not belong for two seconds, Michael Dorsey is supposed to a terrible person. He’s so despicable that obviously folks are going to hate him for dressing up as a woman to try to get a role. I think that might be the point. Still, I think Santino’s got it in the bag, since he’s got to carry the show. The other four nominees are matched (or overshadowed) by others in their cast, so I think we’ll see the “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” actor take home his first Tony. Will win: Santino Fontana, Tootsie Could win: Alex Brightman, Beetlejuice or Damon Daunno, Oklahoma! Best Performance by a Leading Actress in a Musical The three "Chers": Teal Wicks, Stephanie J. Block, and Micaela Diamond. The nominees:
Every year seems like it will be THE year for Stephanie J. Block. It’s interesting that people say that, considering she’s only been nominated twice previously for Tony Awards. But her competition isn’t as strong this year. Caitlin Kinnunen and Beth Leavel likely will cancel each other out, as both are equally strong in The Prom for different reasons. Eva Noblezada gets swallowed up in the vast cavalcade of talent that is Hadestown, and I don’t think Kiss Me, Kate is strong enough as a production for Kelli O’Hara to carry it on her back (even though she carries that entire show on her back). Cher is a generational talent, and Stephanie J. Block’s turn as Star Cher will likely make her stand out from the group. It’s finally her time, guys! Will and should win: Stephanie J. Block, The Cher Show Could win: Beth Leavel or Caitlin Kinnunen, The Prom Best Performance by a Leading Actor in a Play Bryan Cranston stars in "Network," directed by Ivo van Hove. The nominees:
This is another interesting category shrouded in some mystery. It appears to be the big three film and TV stars in the front of the pack: Bryan Cranston’s Howard Beale from Network, Adam Driver’s portrayal of the hyperactive Pale in the Burn This revival, and Jeff Daniels’ turn as the iconic Atticus Finch in Aaron Sorkin’s To Kill a Mockingbird. Cranston has this very unique ability to play to both a live camera and a live audience at the same damn time. That has to count for something. He also won the Olivier for his performance in Network, and he’ll be competing against Paddy Considine, who was also nominated for The Ferryman once again. But Cranston seems to have lost a lot of momentum, and his inclusion with this very strong group of equally good actors could split his chances. Jeff Daniels has the mighty task of playing Atticus Finch… but dare I say that any other actor of his stature in that position could play the brilliant orator that is Atticus? Let me hit you with that third option- Adam Driver. Pale is not a role that anyone could play. It’s a roller-coaster of a time on stage. He’s full of so many emotions- and all of them begin at a 10 and seem to just spiral out of control. Rage, grief, love, frustration, confusion- it’s all there to the “volcanic” (as the Times put it) Driver. In a late surge of momentum, The Wing awards the Tony to one of Hollywood’s best young actors. Driver wins in something of an upset. Will and should win: Adam Driver, Burn This Could win: Bryan Cranston, Network or Jeff Daniels, To Kill a Mockingbird Best Performance by a Leading Actress in a Play Janet McTeer (right) stars in "Bernhardt/Hamlet." The nominees:
Everybody’s been on the Elaine May train since The Waverly Gallery opened. The 87 year-old would be receiving her first Tony nomination, and a win would make her the oldest Tony Award winner ever for an acting category. In her way are five other brilliant nominees. I really love that they nominated Janet McTeer for Bernhardt/Hamlet, a super underrated performance in this blogger’s opinion. If I were running the Tony’s, Laura Donnelly would win for her powerful performance in The Ferryman. That play is not about Quinn or any of the kids, it’s about Caitlin, and thanks to Donnelly, that becomes blatantly clear over the course of the show. But I haven’t been given any reason to think she’ll win, considering Ferryman changed their cast over about midway through the run. We’re going with Elaine May, who hasn’t had any doubt challenge her this season. Will win: Elaine May, The Waverly Gallery Should win: Laura Donnelly, The Ferryman Could win: Janet McTeer, Bernhardt/Hamlet or Laurie Metcalf, Hilary and Clinton Best Performance by a Featured Actor in a Musical The main company of "Ain't Too Proud: The Life and Times of the Temptations." The nominees:
When I saw Hadestown, I was more impressed with Patrick Page than I was with Andre De Shields. Still, Andre was playing Andre, which should fare well with Tony voters. The inclusion of both Ephraim Sykes and Jeremy Pope (who is being nominated for two different acting categories this year) certain makes things interesting as well. Will the Wing honor his fantastic achievements in both Ain’t Too Proud and Choir Boy in this category? I think we’re going with tradition here and picking Andre De Shields, further bolstering Hadestown’s bid for Best Musical. Will win: Andre De Shields, Hadestown Should win: Ephraim Sykes, Ain’t Too Proud Could win: Patrick Page, Hadestown or Jeremy Pope, Ain’t Too Proud Best Performance by a Featured Actress in a Musical Ali Stroker plays Ado Annie in "Oklahoma!" The nominees:
It’s Amber Gray against Ali Stroker. Both are fantastic and both deserve to win. But the real story is the exclusion of Bonnie Milligan from Head Over Heels, who made a noteworthy debut on Broadway to hardly any fanfare. If anyone deserved to be here most, it was her. I don’t think Mary Testa’s inclusion in the category hinders Ali Stroker’s chances of winning, and in fact, I think she’s got this one locked up. Will and should win: Ali Stroker, Oklahoma! Could win: Amber Gray, Hadestown or Sarah Stiles, Tootsie Best Performance by a Featured Actor in a Play Brandon Uranowitz (left) embraces Keri Russell (right) in the revival of Lanford Wilson's "Burn This." The nominees:
My gut is to pick Brandon Uranowitz for this category, and not just because I work at Burn This. I firmly believe he gave the best performance out of these five. People are still talking about Bertie Carvel’s turn as Rupert Murdoch from Ink, but I think if Burn This gets any kind of award at the Tony’s, it’s for Uranowitz’s brilliant turn as Larry in the Lanford Wilson revival. Will and should win: Brandon Uranowitz, Burn This Could win: Bertie Carvel, Ink Best Performance by a Featured Actress in a Play Celia Keenan-Bolger plays the precocious Scout Finch in Aaron Sorkin's play "To Kill a Mockingbird." The nominees:
There’s not much of a contest here. Ever since casting was announced for To Kill a Mockingbird, Celia Keenan-Bolger has been mentioned right along with Jeff Daniels every step of the way. Scout is a hefty part of the book, with some even considering her to be the central character of Harper Lee’s iconic novel. Kristine Nielsen replaced Andrea Martin before Gary started previews, so her role has to be a juicy one as well. But Celia is as close to a leading character as you can get in this one. No contest. CKB wins her first Tony. Will and should win: Celia Keenan-Bolger, To Kill a Mockingbird Could win: Kristine Nielsen, Gary: A Sequel to Titus Andronicus Best Book of a MusicalThe nominees:
I want to make this clear- Hadestown doesn’t really have a book. And if it does, it’s not spectacular in comparison to the others it’s going up against. The two that I think have the best chance are Tootsie and The Prom. Tootsie because it’s one joke after another, and in comparison to the score, it’s the stronger of the two; The Prom because it’s just so pure, full of wit and full of love written by people who clearly love the craft they’ve dedicated their lives to. If The Prom steals one here, I wouldn’t be mad- nor would I be shocked, considering Bob Martin won a Tony for writing The Drowsy Chaperone. But I’m picking Tootsie here. Will and should win: Robert Horn, Tootsie Could win: Chad Beguelin and Bob Martin, The Prom Best Original ScoreThe nominees:
Now we get into the strong suit for Hadestown- the score. It started as a concept album, but Anaïs Mitchell’s music has evolved into a musical phenomenon. As I mentioned before, it’s this really cool jazz/indie/folk/singer-songwriter fusion that is extremely catchy, and while the first act has all the bops, the second act uses those bops to sew the story all together. Hadestown’s biggest competition is The Prom, once again, as Matthew Sklar and Chad Beguelin deliver another potential winner, also full of earworms and inspirational tracks. Also, I want to deliver the biggest applause ever to Be More Chill, who are obviously going to hang onto this one nomination they have for years to come. Will and should win: Anaïs Mitchell, Hadestown Could win: Matthew Sklar and Chad Beguelin, The Prom Best OrchestrationsThe nominees:
I personally think the orchestrations for Oklahoma! are brilliant. Daniel Kluger takes Rodgers and Hammerstein’s iconic score and reworks it for a more modern, jamboree, bluegrass-type feel. But I feel like Hadestown’s got it locked up. It’s got fascinating instrumentation (violin, cello, trombone, guitar, bass, piano, drums) to achieve this sort of hollowed-out, thrown together feel, but it also has the ability, along with the strength of the vocal arrangements, to create this gorgeous wall of sound. Hadestown has it. Will and should win: Michael Chorney and Todd Sickafoose, Hadestown Could win: Daniel Kluger, Oklahoma! Best Direction of a MusicalThe nominees:
Any of these people could win a Tony for Best Director of a Musical and I would not be upset. All five have done incredible work with this respectable set of musicals. However, since Hadestown is the favorite, and because Rachel Chavkin was not honored for her work on Great Comet, she takes home the Tony for her work on Hadestown. Will and should win: Rachel Chavkin, Hadestown Could win: Hadestown has the best chance, but literally anyone could win and I wouldn't be mad. Best Direction of a PlayThe nominees:
Scott Rudin pissed a lot of people off when he forced several regional and community theatres to give up the rights to other versions of To Kill a Mockingbird, before giving those theatres the rights back, on the condition that they perform exclusively Aaron Sorkin’s version. This debacle was a terrible PR move, and a lack of a nomination for Best Play was probably the Wing sticking it to Rudin. However, if there’s any consolation prize, it’s for Bartlett Sher, who directed the piece. Scott Rudin might not be winning a Tony this year, but at least they’re honoring this gigantic achievement of a play. Will win: Bartlett Sher, To Kill a Mockingbird Should win: Sam Mendes, The Ferryman Could win: Ivo Van Hove, Network Best Choreography Those JUMPS, though. The nominees:
There’s one show that has this award locked up and one show only. It’s Kiss Me, Kate, obviously. That “Too Darn Hot” is LIT. Warren Carlyle takes home his second Tony Award. Will win: Warren Carlyle, Kiss Me, Kate Could win: David Neumann, Hadestown or Sergio Trujillo, Ain’t Too Proud Best Scenic Design of a MusicalThe nominees:
I am curious as to how they’ll recognize King Kong’s enormous ape puppet this year, considering the puppetry team is receiving an honorary award for their work. I am also curious to see how the enormous house set for Beetlejuice stacks up against Hadestown's intricate, moving set. I'm going to give the edge to Rachel Huack. I enjoy the use of turntables and trapdoors. Will win: Hadestown- Rachel Huack Could win: Beetlejuice- David Korins Best Scenic Design of a PlayThe nominees:
Another question is video and projection design, which is heavily utilized by a play like Network, using live cameras, cutaways, glass, and even the outside world as a set, in true Ivo Van Hove style. I think Network wins because of this, even though both sets for Gary and The Ferryman are impressive, but I feel like we should have more awards for impressive technical specs like projections. Hopefully changes (or at least more specific rulings) to the awards are coming as technology in Broadway shows is becoming more advanced. Will win: Network- Jan Versweyveld Could win: Gary: A Sequel to Titus Andronicus- Santo Loquasto or The Ferryman- Rob Howell Best Costume Design of a MusialThe nominees:
Beetlejuice’s costumes are spectacular: an eclectic array of monsters and ghouls. Because, you know, it’s a show about death. The next closest challenger would probably be The Cher Show, because Cher is, well, Cher. For all I know Hadestown could probably steal this one too. Will win: Beetlejuice- William Ivey Long Could win: The Cher Show- Bob Mackie or Tootsie- William Ivey Long Best Costume Design of a PlayThe nominees:
In this next round of arbitrarily picking Tony winners, we have Best Costume Design of a Play. I’m picking Mockingbird because I really hope there’s a ham costume that Scout wears. Will win: To Kill a Mockingbird- Ann Roth Could win: Bernhardt/Hamlet- Toni-Leslie James Best Lighting Design of a MusicalThe nominees:
THE SWINGING LIGHTS OF HADESTOWN. That is all. Beetlejuice would be a close second. Will and should win: Hadestown- Bradley King Could win: Beetlejuice- Kenneth Posner and Peter Nigrini Best Lighting Design of a PlayThe nominees:
I can see Network winning here. I can see Gary winning. I can also see The Ferryman winning. Something about that incredible show has to be honored for creating the sinister mood that is prevalent throughout the show. In a purely random call, Peter Mumford wins for The Ferryman. Will win: The Ferryman- Peter Mumford Could win: Network- Jan Versweyveld and Tal Yarden or Gary: A Sequel to Titus Andronicus- Jules Fisher and Peggy Eisenhauer Best Sound Design of a MusicalThe nominees:
Sound design in musicals is tough. I suppose it’s how well created sounds blend with existing music. If that’s the case, I could see Beetlejuice winning here, as there are LOTS of extra sounds in addition to the music. But it could also be how well the sound is transferred around the theatre, where the advantage would favor Hadestown and especially Oklahoma!, where interesting orchestrations and different theatre spaces might yield an award. All of these are reasons why I have zero clue what I’m talking about. Hadestown for the win. Again. Will win: Hadestown- Nevin Steinberg and Jessica Paz Could win: Beetlejuice- Peter Hylenski or Oklahoma!- Drew Levy Best Sound Design of a PlayThe nominees:
For plays, I can understand it a little bit better. I can see Network taking home yet another tech award for its pretty similar replication to the movie. I think it’s a pretty safe bet. Will win: Network- Eric Seichim Could win: The Ferryman- Nick Powell or To Kill a Mockingbird- Scott Lehrer And thus ends another round of completely random, logic-based Tony predictions. Who's your pick to win Best Musical? Leave a comment down below. Tune in to the 73rd Annual Tony Awards on Sunday, June 9th at 8:00pm only on CBS.
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Every Episode of "Black Mirror," Ranked I want to begin by saying that I don’t think there is a bad episode of Black Mirror… but there is a hierarchy that exists within the series, and we’re here to find it. Charlie Brooker’s either a really intuitive guy wary of the dangers of technology, or he’s a tech-less hermit and just absurdly paranoid. Regardless, the guy knows how to make us think twice about our futures, and these technological cautionary tales give us a glimpse into how our lives could be 10 years from now, or, in some cases, 10 minutes from now. They’ll make you feel. They’ll make you think. They’re scare you. They’ll empower you. Brooker’s done his job if Black Mirror drives home a point on you. So, with 18 episodes, a Christmas special and a movie under its belt, and since season 5 is coming out tomorrow, let’s rank every single installment, shall we? This is your one warning before you read. If you haven’t seen Black Mirror- Spoilers lie ahead. 20. "Black Museum"Season 4, Episode 6  The most recent episode of Black Mirror, in my opinion, is the biggest dud. Letitia Wright and Douglas Hodge give great performances, Wright in particular, who pulls the rug out from under Hodge’s Rolo Haynes in the episode’s final act, but I thought the stories were as a whole fairly uninteresting, and the plot twist at the end didn’t pack much of a punch. Overall, the episode is just flimsy. Shout out to Penn Jillette, though, whose short story “The Pain Addict” serves as inspiration for the first of the three stories in the episode. Fun fact, though: “Black Museum” actually contains multiple easter eggs, with a reference to every previous Black Mirror episode present in the season 4 finale. 19. "Men Against Fire"Season 3, Episode 5  For me, this one was forgettable. It’s an interesting idea, the thought of military implants making soldiers think the enemy is some deformed, savage beast, but that’s really as far as the idea stretches: that the reality of wars here on Earth are as simple as humans killing other humans. Malachi Kirby’s performance as Stripe leaves a bit to be desired, although his moment at the end where he thinks he sees a lover, only to discover that neither she nor the life he used to have exists. Michael Kelly’s inclusion in this episode obviously stems from his involvement in House of Cards, and his performance as Arquette is solid, but nothing more than Douglas Stamper with his foot off the gas. 18. "The Waldo Moment"Season 2, Episode 3  I will give this episode credit for preceding the political climate America finds itself in today, but I think “The Waldo Moment” is a bit too on the nose. Oversaturation of news and the subsequent analysis done by both journalists and comedians alike can certainly cause us to think outside the box when it comes to determining leadership. And so, when Daniel Rigby’s Jamie Salter tries to flip the system, we find it logical for him to do so. It’s just… the Bear, Waldo, itself, is just ridiculous. And if I have to listen to him say “Hey! Mr. Monroe!” One more time, I’m gonna jump through a table. “The Waldo Moment” does beg the question, however, while we’re on the subject of electing fictitious people as leaders, there’s some clause in the Constitution that says Mickey Mouse can’t be President, right? Asking for a few hundred million friends. 17. "Arkangel"Season 4, Episode 2  This episode didn’t really go anywhere for me. It had a cool concept, similar to what we see in “The Entire History of You,” but opts to focus more on the family aspect instead. Rosemary Dewitt’s performance as Marie is effectively and increasingly agitating, albeit heartbreaking, as she wrestles with being a helicopter parent to Sara (Brenna Harding). I can certainly understand where both parties are coming from here. But there are plenty of plot holes to distract me from their relationship. Like, why doesn’t Owen Teague’s character Trick call the police on Marie when she confronts him about sleeping with Sara, since the Arkangel program was deemed illegal in America? Why does Sara have to beat the shit out of Marie with the damn tablet instead of throwing it away? Have Marie and Sara never had the talk about individuality and helicopter parenting? It’s got some cool twists and some shocking moments, but overall, I see some wasted potential here with “Arkangel.” 16. "Fifteen Million Merits"Season 1, Episode 2  A lot of people really like Daniel Kaluuya’s monologue at the end of “Fifteen Million Merits.” And I do too. It’s an impassioned, rambling speech about authenticity. But at the same time, it’s about what we’ve already known in after watching for the last hour- that absolutely nothing is real in the world of “Fifteen Million Merits.” I felt like this episode is so far out of left field in comparison to the episode before it (“The National Anthem”) and just about every episode after it. It tries to do too much with all of its concepts layered on top of each other, that we’re not sure what to focus on. This is the first episode to feature the song “Anyone Who Knows What Love Is (Will Understand)” by Irma Thomas, so it’s got that going for it. 15. "White Christmas"Season 2, Episode 4  I love Jon Hamm, I really do. Hamm’s character in the first sub-story of “White Christmas” is quintessentially Hamm-ian, as he works as a torturer by day, and a seduction coach by night, being so suavely pleasant all the way. But Rafe Spall steals the show here. We see the full depth of his grief, seeing as he’s handled his divorce in… let’s say a very sub-par way. When he sees his child for the first time, it’s truly heartbreaking. The strength of “White Christmas” comes from its major plot twist, though, as the tales of deception and murder come full circle back into the present. Both characters are terrible people, but they gain our sympathy, and we end up feeling bad for them as both of their lives ultimately crumble by the end of this twisty-turny episode. Post-episode funks are the gifts that keep on giving in Charlie Brooker’s world. Merry Christmas? 14. "Black Mirror: Bandersnatch"Interactive Movie  Black Mirror’s first “movie,” as it were, is extremely creative in its premise. The “choose your own adventure” narrative is genius. I just wish it were a little more fine tuned. The acting is great, with Fionn Whitehead and Will Poulter (who I still can’t get over being British) leading the charge, and the story is creative enough, as an amateur game designer struggles to get his idea off the ground after being hired by a video game company. I just can’t help but feeling pigeonholed by the choices laid out for me. Black Mirror is a show that has its intense and overwhelming moments, forcing you to be uncomfortable as you watch ordinary people come to terms with the terrors of technology. But when given the choice to guide a character, most ordinary people aren’t going to love options that are: “A. Bad.” and “B. Bad but in a different way,” because that’s not what their nature as humans favors. Getting to compare endings with your friends is a lot of fun, and hopefully we get to see more “user-directed” projects in the future, perhaps even away from Black Mirror. This is a really valiant first attempt. The first one through the wall always gets bloody, though. 13. "Metalhead"Season 4, Episode 5  “Metalhead” exists in the same vein as The Terminator franchise, in that we’ve got humans running away from machines that are trying to kill them. It’s shot entirely black and white, and despite having the shortest run time in the entire series (41 minutes), it manages to pack in as much intensity as any long-form Black Mirror episode. The setup is simple: Bella (Maxine Peake) attempts to shake a killer robot “dog” that has tracked her. For an episode with a premise as basic as it is, the intricacies of “Metalhead” shine through, from Maxine Peake’s excellent performance, to the horrifyingly real design of the dogs, whose weapons only scare the viewer even more as they get more and more sinister. The cat and mouse (dog and mouse?) game runs swiftly through the gorgeous countryside, with the human consistently trying (and in some ways, brilliantly succeeding) to outsmart the pursuing machine. It only gets scarier when you learn that the dogs in question are based off the robotic dogs created by Boston Scientific that can pull a damn truck. Now, what do teddy bears have to do with any of this? 12. "Crocodile"Season 4, Episode 2  I approve of the decision to move filming of this episode from Scotland to Iceland. The visuals of this episode stand out more than any other, with shots of stunning landscapes serving as the backdrop for this intriguing “memory heist” story. Andrea Riseborough really makes us wonder what “Crocodile”’s title really implies, and whether or not she truly feels remorse for any or her actions, and because all of her actions make sense, it is easy for us to go back and forth on wanting her to escape and wanting her to get caught. The finale of the episode is heartbreaking. She should have checked on the fucking guinea pig. THE GUINEA PIG. 11. "Be Right Back"Season 2, Episode 1  The first two seasons of Black Mirror go back and forth with episodes that are an in-your-face kind of allegorical, and episodes that make you take a few minutes and think on what you just saw. “Be Right Back” is one of those. For the first time, we see some big-name actors (Domhnall Gleeson and Hayley Atwell) featured in a Black Mirror episode, as Ash and Martha, the latter of whom attempts to regenerate the former in an experimental recreation method. “Be Right Back” is brilliant in that is far more “big picture” than all other episodes that came before it. We see Hayley Atwell’s character struggle mightily with the balance of physical presence and actual humanity, and how our online selves are just that- they’re not the whole version of us, they’re just what is most likely the cleanest version of us. The ending of this episode is a lot like “The National Anthem,” where we expect one course of action to take place, only to have a slight diversion at the very end leave a bitter taste in our mouths. PSA: Don’t text and drive, everyone. 10. "The National Anthem"Season 1, Episode 1  Black Mirror’s premiere episode is technology at its simplest- in that there’s no technology we don’t already have as the primary focus of the episode. Rory Kinnear’s Prime Minister Michael Callow wakes up to find Princess Susanna has been kidnapped by an unknown party, and in order to ensure her safety, will have to have sex with a pig live on British television. It’s the ultimate “will he, won’t he?”, as you want to know what’s going to happen next, but certainly don’t want to watch this guy have sex with a pig. As the drama unravels, we learn how dangerous public opinion can be, as the world suddenly and sharply turns on Callow, seemingly without knowing the full story. In many episodes of Black Mirror that involve omnipresent unseen antagonists, I am constantly impressed by their ability to remain one step ahead of the good guys. 9. "Shut Up and Dance"Season 3, Episode 3  Upon first watch, I wasn’t a big fan of “Shut Up and Dance.” I thought it was too formulaic, and the ending wasn’t as satisfying as I wanted it to be. But after consideration, sometimes there’s nothing wrong with formula if it is done well... and you're in the right mindset to watch this episode- truthfully, I binged "Nosedive," "Playtest" and this one in a row and was clocked out from being beaten over the head by allegories. Alex Lawther’s Kenny is blackmailed into following seemingly aimless directions after he is caught on camera masturbating to images on his computer, with the assumption that if Alex completes his instructions, his act will not be broadcasted to his friends and family. He is plunged into a tense game of follow-the-leader, and gets entwined with Hector (Jerome Flynn), another man being blackmailed by the same group. Of course though, in true Black Mirror style, we find that no one can truly outrun their sins. The final moments of the episode, specifically Alex’s final emotional state, the slow motion camera work, and the music (Radiohead’s “Exit Music (For a Film)”) are chilling. 8. "Playtest"Season 3, Episode 2  Note to everyone: when your mother calls, answer the phone. Entering the world of video games for the first time, “Playtest” shows how far some developers are willing to go to elicit fear on a deep psychological level- and how cockiness could probably get you killed. Wyatt Russell plays Cooper, an American traveler strapped for cash, who ends up participating in a beta test for a new augmented-reality horror video game designed by Shou Saito (Ken Yamamura). He also has this glaring character flaw- in that he won’t pick up his phone when his mom calls. What I love about “Playtest” is that the consequences are blatantly avoidable, and yet it’s a great commentary on how we think we’re in control of what’s right in front of us- like in a video game. But it’s only when we realize we’re past the point of no control that we try to reach out for something that’s not there. 7. "The Entire History of You"Season 1, Episode 3  What if you could see everything you’ve ever done? Pretty cool for figuring out where you may have gone wrong with something, like a job interview, or for winning an argument to prove your point, right? Well, because this is Black Mirror, we see the relationship Liam (Toby Kebbell) and Ffion (Jodi Whittaker) spiral into oblivion in a matter of hours. Liam uncovers the mystery of his cheating wife just by using the finest of details to devastating and heartbreaking results, and we’re left to wonder (although it is shadowed early on by another character with no Grain implant) if seeing all our memories really is a good thing or not. My one qualm with the episode is this: the “cereal monogamist” line delivered by Jonas (Tom Cullen) that Liam nitpicks as not being funny is actually… pretty funny. Still waiting on the feature film that Robert Downey, Jr. bought the rights to. 6. "Nosedive"Season 3, Episode 1  When you’ve got a script written by Michael Schur and Rashida Jones, you know you’ve got something special (and you also know your show has crossover appeal). The idea of a social class system determined by the ratings you receive from your peers is a potentially terrifying idea (even though it’s already being toyed with with apps like Peeple and experimented with in China), but the idea of everyone acting blatantly fake towards you sounds even more off putting. Bryce Dallas Howard does an excellent job as Lacie, who struggles to make it to her “friend” Naomi’s (Alice Eve) wedding, as she experiences a series of social miscues that send her social rating into a nosedive (that’s the title of the episode. Wild.). Cherry Jones makes a surprise appearance as Susan, a truck driver who had a luxurious life as a 4.8, but plummeted after her husband died. A major feature of this episode is its production design, a brilliant display of clean, pastel colors, hiding the gross, fake interior that lies below it. Still, with Schur and Jones behind the script, “Nosedive” has a lighter tone than some (all) of the other episodes that came before it. I credit this episode for unfreezing Charlie Brooker’s heart a little bit. You might want to chuck your iPhone into the sea for precautions, though. 5. "USS Callister"Season 4, Episode 1  This episode will be forever known as “the Star Trek one,” as it pays excellent homage to the classic TV space epic of yore. In the fashion of the show, though, nothing is what it seems. We’re not even sure if Robert Daly (Jesse Plemons) is the hero of this thing. Of course, we find that he’s not- he’s the villain- and we don’t find this out until we meet Natalie Cole (Cristin Milioti), and we discover Daly is just another tormented victim at his day job (he’s the COO of an augmented reality video game developer) that has taken cyber bullying to another level. “Callister” is a return to form for the series, as we’re taken through the world of pop culture fandoms and given a critique on the hyper-masculine, misogynistic, insecure people that populate it and control it. “USS Callister” also does just enough to keep us from feeling totally depressed, utilizing cheesy dialogue and ironic humor, colorful and creative production design, and intense, nail-biting heist sequences. This episode also won an Emmy for Best Television Movie, and rightfully so. 4. "Hang the DJ"Season 4, Episode 4  As someone who shamelessly utilizes online dating apps, this episode struck a chord with me. The simple but brilliantly designed premise of people being matched by a Siri-like assistant (“Coach”) for a predetermined amount of time, as part of a grander attempt to find an “ultimate compatible other” is played out to a delightfully surprising ending by Georgina Campbell and Joe Cole. You can feel the ups and downs that people looking for love experience- the highs of being with and having fun with someone in a spontaneous moment of bliss, as well as the bitter feeling of loneliness that everyone has experienced at one time or another. And with a brilliant score by Sigor Ròs, it only elevates the experienced further. Man, if only Tinder was like this. The system would truly never be wrong. 3. "Hated in the Nation"Season 3, Episode 6  The final episode of season 3 gave us this long-form buddy cop drama. We’ve got Kelly Macdonald as Karin Parke, the wise-cracking and insult-hurling Scottish veteran cop, contrasted by her partner, the green but intuitive Blue Coulson, played by Faye Marsay. After the death of a journalist at the center of a social media onslaught, Macdonald and Coulson uncover an even more sinister plot- killer robotic bees. Under the prologue’s guise of “something bad has just gone down, here’s what happened,” we learn that social media instigators are just as bad as people who piss them off… because robotic bees will enter your skull and eat your brain from inside, akin to the beetles from The Mummy. The brutal and bloody images from “Hated in the Nation” will leave you shaken. The fallout will leave you heartbroken. The epilogue will leave you shaking. Just watch this one if you’re not familiar. Or even if you are. More long-form content, Black Mirror, please. 2. "San Junipero"Season 3, Episode 4  If you’re watching Black Mirror for the first time, you have to earn watching “San Junipero,” because it is by far the most emotional installment in the entire catalogue, and skipping everything that precedes it in favor of watching it will ruin the rest of it for you. In what begins as a romantic drama set in a bustling seaside town, a chance encounter between party girl Kelly (Gugu Mbatha-Raw) and Yorkie (Mackenzie Davis) becomes a heart-wrenching love story that stretches across the years. In “San Junipero,” we deal with the freedom of being able to live out (or even relive) the best years of our lives, but also the impending future, and what it might mean to be stuck there, and how our relationships form, grow, and perhaps even become strained because of it. Acting and story aside, the technical construction of the episode is immaculate. There’s something that can become extra cheesy when dealing with 80s scenic and costume design, but nothing about “San Junipero” seems over the top. Interwoven with 80s pop songs (lookin’ at you, Belinda Carlisle) and a brilliant score from Clint Mansell (The Fountain, another film to check out if you liked “San Junipero”), we clearly know that San Junipero and “Heaven is a Place on Earth” go hand in hand. Like “USS Callister” after it, “San Junipero” thrust Black Mirror into the mainstream awards scene, winning two Primetime Emmys, one for Best Writing of a Television Movie or Limited Series, and Best Television Movie. 1. "White Bear"Season 2, Episode 2  “White Bear” pulls the classic twist “the good guy was really the bad guy all along!,” as we find that Lenora Crichlow (Victoria Skillane) is a horribly shitty person after the credits begin to roll on the episode. What brings “White Bear” to the top of this list is the shock factor. It is the 5th episode released of the series, and while “The Entire History of You” gives us plenty of heartbreaking moments, “White Bear” misleads you for 40 minutes and then pulls the rug out from underneath you. With “White Bear,” we also get an interesting social critique about how we view violence as entertainment, and, in a sense, how we’ve become desensitized to it. We think we’re empathizing with Lenora, until we’re caught in the metaphorical bear trap right along with her. Then, it’s anyone’s game. If it wasn’t evident that Black Mirror takes major inspiration from The Twilight Zone, “White Bear” certainly drives that point home. Just for the shocking twist alone, “White Bear” reaches the number one spot on this list. I’m truly still reeling. Which episode of Black Mirror is your favorite? Leave a comment down below. Seasons 1-4 of Black Mirror and Bandersnatch are streaming on Netflix. Season 5 premieres on Wednesday, June 5th, also on Netflix. The Wrap Sheet, February 2019A monthly airing of thoughts and grievances  Corgi Wink! I think I really hate February. It’s too short. All of a sudden it’s March and we’re left saying: “wait, where are the extra two or three days of my month?” or “Shit, I have to pay all these bills super early!” There are also things like false spring that typically occur in February that give me false hope before plunging me back into the despair of winter.  But the Groundhog didn’t see his shadow this month! So maybe our dreams of an early spring really might come to fruition? Despite a short month, February was jam-packed with headline news. Here’s your monthly wrap-up for February.  We begin in Atlanta, Georgia, the site of Super Bowl LIII between the New England Patriots and the Los Angeles Rams. This game feels like it took place ages ago. I won’t get into it too much, because you can find my fully-fleshed out piece on the Super Bowl by clicking here, but I can certainly sum up the contest in a few words. So, basically, the Patriots left Atlanta with their sixth Super Bowl championship, tying the Pittsburgh Steelers for most all-time by a franchise. The difference is, it took the Steelers 40 years to win 6. It took the Patriots half that time. For most football fans, this game was incredibly boring, and that mindset probably wasn’t without just cause. It was 13-3, the lowest scoring Super Bowl of all time, and one year removed from one of the best offensive Super Bowls of all time, a 74-point, 1,000-yard-plus showcase with a satisfying ending of the underdog defeating the Goliath. This was the opposite of that. Or, it was a defensive feast, if you appreciate both sides of the game of football. The Rams punted on their first 8 possessions of the game before scoring points. The first touchdown of the game came in the 4th quarter, as the Patriots finally managed to string together some passes to put them in the red zone, before Sony Michel punched it in from two yards out to give New England a 10-3 lead. Bill Belichick was the hero of the game for New England. His defensive game plan stifled the Rams’ potent offense, and Sean McVay’s squad failed to make any kind of adjustments, as the Patriots defense slowly wore them down. New England’s defense came up big a number of times, including Kyle Van Noy’s long sack of Jared Goff on third down, a huge pass breakup by Jason McCourty on Brandin Cooks in the endzone, in which McCourty came from the other side of the field to make the play after the first defender blew his coverage; the play kept the Rams out of the end zone and kept the Patriots in front.  But there was no bigger play than the one made by Stephon Gilmore. The defensive back has quietly turned into one of the premiere shutdown corners in football, and his performance erased any doubt of his ability to perform well, as his interception of Jared Goff on the Rams’ final drive sealed the victory for the Patriots. Julian Edelman was named the game’s MVP, as his offensive production was the best of any player on the field- 10 catches, 141 yards. The game could have had a number of players named MVP, but Edelman was borderline unstoppable for most of the game. In what was a month of highs and lows for the Patriots (we’ll get to the low ones later), earning a Super Bowl victory when everyone doubted their chances mere months ago had to be one of the sweeter moments in the franchise’s history. In other sports news…  I WENT TO THE WESTMINSTER DOG SHOW! For those of you who don’t know, I do a sports podcast every Monday with my partner Kata Stevens called Under Further Review. We drink different adult beverages and talk about sports. And somehow, our little show managed to get media credentials to the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show at Madison Square Garden before. Now, I have never been to MSG before. I have a habit of going to sports arenas to see events that are not the primary sport of the arena. I have been to Gillette Stadium for lacrosse, ice hockey, and soccer, but never football. The first time I went to Barclays Center, it was for boxing. And now, my first time at the World’s Most Famous Arena was spent watching puppers prance up and down a field of AstroTurf. But hey. There were dogs, and boy do I love dogs.  One of our main questions for the podcast was: “Is dog showing a sport?” Initially my answer was “no,” but I suppose I was quickly proven wrong. Every dog we saw backstage at the show was being groomed akin to how an athlete prepares for a game- obsessively, furiously, and intricately. One of the handlers even had me feel her dog’s hind leg muscle. So… strength training, I guess. We interviewed a number of dogs and their handlers, including one Kiera Karlin, a 16-year old Junior Handler from Atlanta, and her Finnish Lapphund, Dusky. This is Kiera’s third year at Westminster. Here’s Kata’s interview with the pair: I also met my new favorite kind of dog: the Norwich Terrier.  Isn’t she the cutest thing you’ve ever seen? Her name is Belle, and she is not unlike if a chicken nugget were a dog. Belle was one of a number of fan favorite dogs at the event. Speaking of fans, the arena was packed on the second night of the show- like, I could not find a seat, even with my media pass. Eventually, some seats did open up and I got myself a great view of the arena. I didn’t expect the crowd to be so into it, but every dog that was introduced on the Jumbotron was met with a loud reaction that was a mix of an “aww,” a cheer, and an “oh my god”-esque gasp. And when these dogs walked the promenade, the place got LOUD. If you’re not familiar with how the dog show works, let me break it down quickly: There are hundreds of breeds of dogs. Every entry for a given breed competes to win “Best of Breed.” So, the best, say, golden retriever, will then compete in their group stage. There are seven groups: Working, Sporting, Non-sporting, Toy, Hound, Herding, and Terrier. The best of breeds compete for best group based on poise, grooming, and presentation. The judge picks his or her top eight, which do another round of judging. At this point, the judge will select his top four, the first of which wins the group and advances to compete for Best in Show. The Best in Show is judged exactly the same way, with the winners of each of the seven groups going through a round of judging to determine Best in Show. Belle, the Norwich Terrier from earlier, was a fan favorite, and drew many cheers from the crowd as she pranced across the floor. She was even picked for the top eight of the terrier group, to which the crowd erupted. However, the Norwich was not selected for the top four. This drew the ire of the crowd, and they booed the judge’s decision. There was booing. At a dog show. Good for people for being passionate about their favorite dogs. For Best in Show, there was even more controversy, as one of the handlers and her Schipperke were disqualified before judging could even take place. A conflict of interest- the judge had co-owned dogs with one of the Schipperke handler’s co-owners- had elicited confused groans from the crowd. I just wonder why either the judge wasn’t replaced or the Schipperke handler wasn’t replaced or disqualified in a prior round. I feel like this issue could have been avoided altogether with a little thinking ahead. As for the remaining six dogs, two stood out: A Longhaired Dachshund named Burns and a Sussex Spaniel named Bean, the latter receiving loud chants of his named that echoed around the arena.  But the cheers turned to boos once again as the judge named King, the Wire Fox Terrier, as Best in Show. If you’re wondering why, Wire Fox Terriers have won 15 Best in Shows, seven more than the next best breed. It’s a lot like the Patriots winning again. Everyone’s annoyed by it and the likeable underdogs (lol dog puns) get pushed to the wayside. As the disgruntled crowd exited the arena, I was able to grab more pictures of dogs in the holding area. If you want to see more, head over to Under Further Review’s Facebook or Instagram (@ufrvodcast) to see the full photo album. 12/10. Would highly recommend going. I don’t really feel the need to talk about the State of the Union address. I don’t really care what the President had to say, although from what I’ve read, it was a lot about what was wrong, and not a lot about what was going to happen in order to fix it. Have I mentioned that this whole administration is the epitome of cheap plastic spray-painted gold? Lots of talking about what’s wrong, and complaining when it doesn’t get fixed- even though he’s got all the cards in his hand- and zero talking about the future. What I do want to talk about it Nancy Pelosi’s brilliant “fuck you” clap toward Donald Trump.  “We must reject the politics of revenge, resistance and retribution, and embrace the boundless potential of cooperation, compromise, and the common good,” he said. And Pelosi served him with this incredible clap and smirk. With full eye contact. Ice cold.  This woman is the queen of condescending applause. She is the hero we deserve. In other brief news from the month, the NASA’s Mars Opportunity Rover ran out of battery life, after a 14 year stay on the Red Planet, beginning in 2004.  Along with its twin rover Spirit, Opportunity was tasked with, at least principally, determining if the potential life exists on Mars by searching for traces of recoverable water, as well as examining the planet’s climate and geology. Spirit got stuck in a “sand trap” in late 2009, and cut off communication from Earth in March 2010. Both rovers’ missions were planned as 90 sol (day on Mars) missions. Opportunity lasted for 5498 sols, 40 times the length of the originally planned mission. With last contact coming in June 2018, NASA sent over 1,000 messages to the rover before officially declaring the mission over on February 13th. Now, the whole “my battery is low and it’s getting dark” transmission from Opportunity is mostly false. Before a dust storm on the Martian surface back in June (which was probably the fatal blow to the rover’s systems), Opportunity did transmit something about its battery being low, but the quote is merely just a poeticized version of something the rover may or may not have said. What is true, however, is that NASA’s final transmission to Opportunity was “I’ll Be Seeing You” recording by Billie Holiday. And if that doesn’t make you cry, you have no soul. A new segment on the Wrap Sheet is called: Thanks, I Hate It!In this month’s version of Thanks, I Hate It, Disney released a trailer for Aladdin. It’s pretty much a shot for shot remake of the original trailer from the 1992 animated film. Disney really knows how to capitalize on nostalgia, that’s for sure. From The Jungle Book onward, they’ve done solid reboots of classic animated films. It’s this, Dumbo, and The Lion King in the newest slate, and I believe Aladdin will be no different. And hey, even Will Smith is playing the Genie! I can see it! Like, I believe I can hear Will Smith voicing the Genie. And then he was in the trailer.  Thanks, I hate Genie Will Smith. It’s off putting. A blue Fresh Prince with pointy ears. Give the guy his vest like in some of the promotional material!  That I can jive with. So I mean, hopefully we’ll come to love Genie Will Smith. And Robin Williams would probably just want us to enjoy the movie for what it is. But for now, this is weird and I don’t like it. In other movie trailer news, Disney dropped a trailer for Frozen 2. There’s a lot of water. And it’s fall now. Are we going to get more seasonal movies of Frozen, and in the summer Olaf finally finds his true love? Also, Frozen’s a good movie. Those of you who didn’t like it are jumping on the bandwagon because it got popular and overplayed on the radio. Get over yourself.  They HAVE to be a thing, don’t they? Speaking of movies, the Oscars were last Sunday. Let’s talk about those, because I have some things I want to get off my chest. There was much debate about a host-less awards, and how it would affect the ceremony. When Kevin Hart stepped down from hosting, there was a mad dash to find a replacement, but no suitable person (or Muppet) could be found. And while Kevin Hart would have been a funny, effective host, I think an Oscars without a host moved along smoothly and was just as effective. I watched the show with people who complained that the show was boring, and that a host could have made it more entertaining to watch. On that point, I disagree. If you’re invested, the Oscars are just as enticing without a host as they are without one. Also, the show ran 3 hours and 22 minutes, almost a half hour shorter than last year’s. I am more than willing to sacrifice time for entertainment. A four hour Oscars is unbearable. If you’re going to have an Oscar host, their duties should at least be hands off. A welcome, an opening monologue, and a closing- maybe like ONE bit intermittently. That’s really all we need. I like Jimmy Kimmel, but I don’t need him talking to celebrities like he does every night on his show, nor do I need him “surprising” random people off the street by bringing them into the theatre. I’m also a fan of montages, and I felt like we could have had more of that. Also, they didn’t do any favors for themselves in showing all the awards live. For at least the first hour or so, the speeches were BAD. I don’t want to watch people stumble through pieces of paper and not know what they’re going to say. You need to keep it interesting. Even if you don’t think you’re going to win, have a speech. Practice that speech. It will make you more watchable. As for the awards themselves, I didn’t do as well as last year, going 16/24 in 2019 versus 21/24 in 2018.  The awards featured no big surprises, save for Olivia Colman winning Best Actress over the heavily-favored Glenn Close.  Alfonso Cuarón walked away with three awards for his work on Roma, including Best Director, Best Cinematography, and Best Foreign Language Film.  But the biggest conversation came when Green Book won Best Picture over Roma. The best way I can describe this selection is safe. It’s an incredible conservative, safe pick for the Academy, considering they awarded Best Picture to Moonlight two years ago. Green Book’s successes come from its heart, and solid performances from Viggo Mortensen and Mahershala Ali. But its drawbacks far outweigh its positives. The script is rife with cliches and manipulative moments. It passes off stereotypes and blatant racism as playful banter- such as when Viggo Mortensen’s character, the racist-but-I-guess-not-really(?) Tony “Lip” Vallelonga unironically teaches Ali’s Don Shirley how to eat fried chicken, because “his people love fried chicken and ‘colored greens’.” We are shown so much of Vallelonga in the film: his backstory, his family, his history, his stakes as a character. Shirley is portrayed as the “magical negro,” an archetype character concept white filmmakers have not seemed to understand is highly problematic- he is measured, just, well-spoken and wise, and exists almost to serve as the catalyst for which the racist white character learns to understand the error of his ways. Shirley is a man with many demons he has to wrestle with, none of which are gone into in great depth. In a poignant moment in the film, he watched black farmhands from a roadside as Vallelonga fixes the car they are riding in. Shirley has a monologue later in the film about feeling lost between races, being too black to be white, and being too white to be black- but that’s it. Now, not to take away from Mahershala Ali’s performance; the guy won an Oscar, for goodness sake. But being charismatic can only go so far in character development. His reasoning for going on a concert tour of the south is explained in only a brief philosophical statement by one of his white group mates, about it taking courage to change people’s hearts. Don Shirley deserves better than being pushed to the side as a stock character (he was also never mentioned in the producers’ Best Picture acceptance speech) with minimal to no change or character arc. I feel like the Oscars showed their age this year. It’s like they picked Moonlight and they were like “okay, we picked a progressive film, we can stop now,” or they thought “black movies are progressive, but only if it’s something that all the white people can resonate with.” It’s like they keep trying to change what’s wrong with the ceremony by throwing all the wrong things at it. There were many better films this year than Green Book. A Star is Born. BlacKkKlansman. Roma. Black Panther. Vice. The Favourite. Literally any of those films were a) better and b) less problematic than the film that won. I actually even liked Bohemian Rhapsody, but it definitely falls at the lower echelon of the nominees.. Green Book will go down as one of the worst Best Picture winners since Crash. Mark my words. I promise we’ll end happy, but first we have to get through our... DOUCHEBAG OF THE MONTH This is Jussie Smollett. He’s got a supporting role on the show Empire. He’s good on it. At the end of last month, a report surfaced that Smollett was attacked by two people in an alleged hate crime. Smollett had discovered a drawing of a stick figure hanging from a tree with a gun pointed at it. “Smollett you will die” and “MAGA” were written on the note. A week later, Smollett was reported to have been attacked by two men in ski masks. He was met with racial and homophobic slurs, as well as phrases like “This is MAGA country.” He was treated at a local Chicago hospital and released later the next morning. Social media was quick to defend Smollett and place the blame on those supporting the Trump administration, something Smollett had been an outspoken critic of. But weeks later police investigated the home of two “persons of interest,” which turned out to be two Nigerian brothers who had both been extras on Empire. While the two were let go, more information was released a few days later, including a tip that Smollett had paid the men $3,500 to stage the attack, as well as video footage of the two men purchasing gloves, ski masks, and red hats. On the 20th, Smollett was charged with falsifying a police report. On the 21st, Smollett turned himself in to Chicago police. So there are a couple of theories behind while Smollett appeared to stage this attack, but the main one seems to be an attempt to further his career. Smollett was dissatisfied by his salary on Empire, and could perhaps use the momentum of coming back from this hate crime as leverage for more pay. Being a martyr would, I suppose, result in some kind of traction for him. If everything he had said were true, I’m sure the support for him would continue to be tremendous. Apparently, he had heard a story from Empire creator Lee Daniels, whose cousin was the victim of a homophobic assault, which may have also been reason for Smollett to stage the assault. The bigger issue is what this says about hate crimes, or just assault in general, in this country, especially when it comes to false reports. There are instances of assaults and hate crimes every single day in this country. And I’m sure that not all of them can make the news based on the sheer volume of them. When they involve celebrities, they become even more magnified. False reports make headlines. They have this ability to throw a magnifying glass on the liar and glorify those who are innocent. Take the Duke lacrosse sexual assault scandal, for example. In this country, especially nowadays, when people in power (white people, men, etc) feel marginalized and collectively judged, they get defensive. When people saw that Gillette commercial about toxic masculinity, there were a lot of men who were upset because they felt judged collectively. I covered it in last month’s wrap sheet, but if you can’t look at the bigger picture of all of us needing to improve as a whole, you have other things to worry about, starting with yourself. And I get the feeling that this will divide some people, and spur certain people to say “SEE! I was right! People are lying because they want fame and money!” Naturally, this ties back to believing survivors of sexual assault. Let me be clear: this changes nothing about believing survivors of hate crimes or sexual assault. Yes, there are people that are liars. Liars make headlines. But do not use this as an excuse to hush a survivor of a hate crime or an assault. Because 99.9% of the time, they were victims. So Jussie Smollett is our douchebag of the month for trying to stage a hate crime and bringing fuel to the non-believing fire. But we should always still be vigilant of violence in this country. Always. That is all. Finally, here’s the best thing I saw this month. The Best Thing I Saw This MonthThis is, I guess, a charity hockey game, and these players are about to square up to fight. Someone’s about to spit chiclets. Or are they? Ordinarily I would scoff at a stunt like this, but I laughed. A lot. It was totally unexpected for a pair of hockey players to break out into a dance after squaring up to fight.
I don’t know who these guys are, but look at that FORM! This is some Olympic style ice dancing here. We all have to remember that sports are fun. Sometimes we can all use a little bit of a laugh during some friendly competition. I’m sorry I’m so late on the wrap sheet (again), you guys. February was just too short, and I promise that with 31 days in March, you’ll have next month’s on schedule. Stay alert out there. Andrew The Wrap Sheet, January 2019
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Brie Larson with the clapback of the year.
If you’re a superhero, you probably aren’t smiling when you’re protecting the world from evil or an alien invasion.
And if you expect them to be smiling while they do it, they probably look as goofy and as unsettling as the men in the reimagined posters that Larson posted.
Keep on keepin’ on, Brie Larson.
Captain Marvel comes out March 8th, 2019. I’m excited.
We’ll finish with a few sports things, because sports make me happy and this is my blog so shut up.
It's fitting that after the run he's had, Tiger finally wins a tournament right at the end of the calendar.
The first is Tiger Woods, who finally won his first golf tournament in five years, going wire to wire to win the Tour Championship last Sunday by five strokes.
Justin Rose actually won the FedEx cup, as the Tour Championship is the final event in golf’s playoffs, but Woods took home the victory for the actual tournament.
What struck me were the THRONGS of people who took to the course to watch Tiger win his first tournament since 2013.
Seriously, look at these pictures:
Justin Rose actually won the FedEx cup, as the Tour Championship is the final event in golf’s playoffs, but Woods took home the victory for the actual tournament.
What struck me were the THRONGS of people who took to the course to watch Tiger win his first tournament since 2013.
Seriously, look at these pictures:
Regardless of what you think of Tiger Woods, there is no doubt this man made golf cool when he was in his prime.
How often do you see a crowd of people of this size following Rory McIlroy or Justin Thomas?
Tiger makes golf worth watching. And if you’re a casual golfer who doesn’t actively watch it on TV, you’ll watch if Tiger is in contention on Sunday.
This is one of the great sports stories of the year, and it will be a major talking point in 2019 if Tiger can continue his upward trend.
I never thought the golf shot of the year would be a two-foot, tap-in putt on the final PGA tournament of the year.
How often do you see a crowd of people of this size following Rory McIlroy or Justin Thomas?
Tiger makes golf worth watching. And if you’re a casual golfer who doesn’t actively watch it on TV, you’ll watch if Tiger is in contention on Sunday.
This is one of the great sports stories of the year, and it will be a major talking point in 2019 if Tiger can continue his upward trend.
I never thought the golf shot of the year would be a two-foot, tap-in putt on the final PGA tournament of the year.
Welcome back, Tiger.
And finally, the best thing I saw this month:
The Philadelphia Flyers have a new mascot.
He was born in the space between fantasy and reality, initially thrown out as an idea character for the film The Happytime Murders.
He was the love child of the Phillie Phanatic and Danny DeVito’s character from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
He is an acid trip, perfectly reflective of Philadelphia’s sports teams and its collective culture.
He has broken the internet.
This is Gritty.
The Philadelphia Flyers have a new mascot.
He was born in the space between fantasy and reality, initially thrown out as an idea character for the film The Happytime Murders.
He was the love child of the Phillie Phanatic and Danny DeVito’s character from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
He is an acid trip, perfectly reflective of Philadelphia’s sports teams and its collective culture.
He has broken the internet.
This is Gritty.
And just in time for Halloween, because this piece of genius is utterly terrifying.
He’s a coked-out, googly-eyed menace. And he’s coming to fuck shit up on the ice this winter.
He’s a coked-out, googly-eyed menace. And he’s coming to fuck shit up on the ice this winter.
Sleep with one eye open tonight, bird. pic.twitter.com/wLmGBa0Oyh
— Gritty (@GrittyNHL) September 24, 2018
Oh, by the way. When I say he’s broken the internet, I’m not kidding.
Here he is recreating a famous photo:
Eat your heart out, Kim Kardashian.
Here he is dancing (sorta) with Jimmy Fallon and Ricky Gervais:
Gritty is a national treasure who looks like he’s going to send kids six packs of Yuengling for Christmas.
He’s a beautiful mess that perfectly encapsulates Philadelphia, existing solely to remind the world that this is the city that booed and threw snowballs at Santa Claus, greased its light poles to minimize riot damage from its first Super Bowl win, had man intentionally throw up on a police officer AND HIS 11-YEAR OLD DAUGHTER, and had Sylvester Stallone run up the stairs of the Philadelphia Museum of Art ONE TIME.
Gritty is the best because he is the worst. And I can’t wait to see what comes next out of this orange nightmare fuel.
Give me more Gritty, NHL. WE WANT MORE GRITTY.
So, yeah. For everything that’s happened this month, there’s been some equally great things that are overshadowed by the depressing news.
And that concludes this month’s Wrap Sheet, you guys.
I have a new sports vodcast called Under Further Review, where my partner, Kata Stevens and I give our tepid opinions on sports and things. We broadcast on Facebook Live every Monday, with a podcast version put out later in the afternoon.
We also drink and do fun dares and stuff. This Monday, one of us is getting pelted with water balloons by random passersby.
You can find us our pages on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter using the handle @ufrvodcast.
Lots of fun things coming up this fall, you guys! October means baseball playoff predictions, plus a first look into Oscar season.
I’ve also got my Best of 2018 spread in its early planning stages, so look forward to that.
Thanks for reading. Stay alert out there.
And that concludes this month’s Wrap Sheet, you guys.
I have a new sports vodcast called Under Further Review, where my partner, Kata Stevens and I give our tepid opinions on sports and things. We broadcast on Facebook Live every Monday, with a podcast version put out later in the afternoon.
We also drink and do fun dares and stuff. This Monday, one of us is getting pelted with water balloons by random passersby.
You can find us our pages on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter using the handle @ufrvodcast.
Lots of fun things coming up this fall, you guys! October means baseball playoff predictions, plus a first look into Oscar season.
I’ve also got my Best of 2018 spread in its early planning stages, so look forward to that.
Thanks for reading. Stay alert out there.
The Wrap Sheet, August 2018
A monthly airing of thoughts and grievances
What is this picture? Keep reading to find out.
August has been a whirlwind of a month for me!
I am now a quarter of a century old. The quarter-life crisis hit at 24, so I feel like it was just another day this year on my birthday.
There are also some other media-type things in the works soon, which I will keep you posted on as I get further and further involved.
But for a month without a holiday, there sure is a lot to talk about.
I am now a quarter of a century old. The quarter-life crisis hit at 24, so I feel like it was just another day this year on my birthday.
There are also some other media-type things in the works soon, which I will keep you posted on as I get further and further involved.
But for a month without a holiday, there sure is a lot to talk about.
Movie...PASS.
Movies made me angry this month, which is odd, because they’re always where I go to escape reality.
I didn’t get to see any movies this month because Moviepass was undergoing some radical changes.
Those changes just might make me cancel my membership.
Oh wait. Apparently, I can’t?
I didn’t get to see any movies this month because Moviepass was undergoing some radical changes.
Those changes just might make me cancel my membership.
Oh wait. Apparently, I can’t?
There have been numerous reports of Moviepass subscribers receiving an Error notification when they try to cancel their plan.
It has not been a good last few months for the movies-for-less subscription service. After initially running out of money and taking out a $5 million loan, Moviepass rolled out its first slew of changes in early July. These changes included:
In what is being called a “transition period,” Moviepass is still blacking out popular films and showtimes, limiting subscribers to two movies per month for the time being.
In its newest set of changes, the service will release a set of films (six films set to rotate periodically) and screening times on a new daily schedule updated each day, seemingly making going to the movies into a guessing game, forcing its subscribers to chance both the schedule and the clock in order to see a film.
Given that you have to be within a certain distance of a movie theatre to purchase a ticket with the app and card, having to dance around the schedule Moviepass sets for its films is going to be difficult.
Another change came in regards to seeing more than three films per month. If a subscriber sees more than the allotted three, each additional movie will have a $2-$5 discount, billed to the account associated with the user’s card.
And like I initially thought, that doesn’t mean each subsequent movie will be $2 to $5. That means you’ll pay for the full-priced ticket, and Moviepass will knock off anywhere from $2-$5, depending on the film.
- A price increase from $9.95/month to $15/month.
- Blackouts on popular films like Mission Impossible: Fallout (instead of upping the prices of popular movies with peak pricing), while also continuing surge pricing on major releases.
- Limiting subscribers to three movies per month, and not allowing subscribers to use Moviepass to see a given movie more than once.
In what is being called a “transition period,” Moviepass is still blacking out popular films and showtimes, limiting subscribers to two movies per month for the time being.
In its newest set of changes, the service will release a set of films (six films set to rotate periodically) and screening times on a new daily schedule updated each day, seemingly making going to the movies into a guessing game, forcing its subscribers to chance both the schedule and the clock in order to see a film.
Given that you have to be within a certain distance of a movie theatre to purchase a ticket with the app and card, having to dance around the schedule Moviepass sets for its films is going to be difficult.
Another change came in regards to seeing more than three films per month. If a subscriber sees more than the allotted three, each additional movie will have a $2-$5 discount, billed to the account associated with the user’s card.
And like I initially thought, that doesn’t mean each subsequent movie will be $2 to $5. That means you’ll pay for the full-priced ticket, and Moviepass will knock off anywhere from $2-$5, depending on the film.
AMC rolled out its AMC Stubs A-List plan for $19.95/month. While it does limit moviegoers to a quarter of the theatres in America and 60% of the films released, the program allows subscribers to see up to three movies per week (which includes IMAX and 3D films) with no blackouts, as well as discounts on concessions and other amenities.
We all knew the business model for Moviepass was unsustainable, right? I was willing to take advantage of it while I could, of course. $10 per month to see unlimited movies? Sounds pretty good to me.
But now that the business’s volatility has reared its ugly head, it might be time to jump ship.
Most of the theatres I visit are AMC theatres. But there are a select few I visit that show only certain films that are not AMC theatres (like the IFC Center or the Angelika Film Center) which I won’t be able to visit without either paying a full priced ticket or planning a day trip out of where I buy one ticket and see multiple films.
I haven’t seen or heard a good, concrete reason to leave Moviepass yet though, I will say. I tend not to go to the movies in the summertime, for the sole reasoning that blockbusters typically aren’t my thing. I’ll wait until October when Oscar season picks up.
If you’re really good with scheduling, you could time it out to see three movies at the end of your billing cycle and three movies at the start of your next one.
I also haven’t heard a good reason to try AMC’s Stubs program. I want to make sure my $20 per month is going to be put to good use without monopolizing where I go to the movies and really making me feel the hit to my wallet when I go somewhere else to see a film.
This makes my brain hurt. I don’t want this to go away, but I feel like it might have to at some point.
At least Moviepass made going to the movies fun again, right?
It made going to the movies fun before it no longer became fun.
We all knew the business model for Moviepass was unsustainable, right? I was willing to take advantage of it while I could, of course. $10 per month to see unlimited movies? Sounds pretty good to me.
But now that the business’s volatility has reared its ugly head, it might be time to jump ship.
Most of the theatres I visit are AMC theatres. But there are a select few I visit that show only certain films that are not AMC theatres (like the IFC Center or the Angelika Film Center) which I won’t be able to visit without either paying a full priced ticket or planning a day trip out of where I buy one ticket and see multiple films.
I haven’t seen or heard a good, concrete reason to leave Moviepass yet though, I will say. I tend not to go to the movies in the summertime, for the sole reasoning that blockbusters typically aren’t my thing. I’ll wait until October when Oscar season picks up.
If you’re really good with scheduling, you could time it out to see three movies at the end of your billing cycle and three movies at the start of your next one.
I also haven’t heard a good reason to try AMC’s Stubs program. I want to make sure my $20 per month is going to be put to good use without monopolizing where I go to the movies and really making me feel the hit to my wallet when I go somewhere else to see a film.
This makes my brain hurt. I don’t want this to go away, but I feel like it might have to at some point.
At least Moviepass made going to the movies fun again, right?
It made going to the movies fun before it no longer became fun.
Oscar's Popularity Contest
Speaking of movies no longer being fun, let’s talk about The Oscars.
The Oscars are one of my favorite things in all of entertainment; a yearly display of vanity from Hollywood’s finest, where millionaires give other millionaires little golden statues for being good at acting and stuff.
It’s also a realm where I really get to prove I’m right (and shamelessly prove that I’m cultured) a good amount of the time.
Last year, I went 21-for-24 on my Oscar predictions.
Fight me.
But that’s not why I’m here. This time, I’m here to fight the Oscars for adding a new category.
‘A new category? That’s so exciting!’ you might say.
It is exciting, until you find out what it’s for.
This new category will be called the Best Popular Film category.
Best. Popular. Film. Best Achievement in Popular Film, to be exact.
Because that was the squeaky wheel about the Oscars that needed the grease. Not the exclusion of non-white and female actors and designers, not the favorability system of the Best Picture category (or the fact that it’s anywhere from 5-10 nominees instead of a set number).
Nope, the Oscars, under pressure from ABC to increase ratings, decided to make a new category dedicated to blockbuster films that people are “more likely to see.”
The Oscars are one of my favorite things in all of entertainment; a yearly display of vanity from Hollywood’s finest, where millionaires give other millionaires little golden statues for being good at acting and stuff.
It’s also a realm where I really get to prove I’m right (and shamelessly prove that I’m cultured) a good amount of the time.
Last year, I went 21-for-24 on my Oscar predictions.
Fight me.
But that’s not why I’m here. This time, I’m here to fight the Oscars for adding a new category.
‘A new category? That’s so exciting!’ you might say.
It is exciting, until you find out what it’s for.
This new category will be called the Best Popular Film category.
Best. Popular. Film. Best Achievement in Popular Film, to be exact.
Because that was the squeaky wheel about the Oscars that needed the grease. Not the exclusion of non-white and female actors and designers, not the favorability system of the Best Picture category (or the fact that it’s anywhere from 5-10 nominees instead of a set number).
Nope, the Oscars, under pressure from ABC to increase ratings, decided to make a new category dedicated to blockbuster films that people are “more likely to see.”
Much of the talk surrounding the new Best Popular Film category is swirling around Marvel's "Black Panther."
In this case, this category was created specifically to appease the people who saw Black Panther, because superhero movies will never be nominated for Best Picture. At least not now that this deformity has been created by the Academy.
This is a fake award with vague parameters that further taints an awards ceremony with dwindling credibility.
The move came, as I previously mentioned, out of intense pressure from ABC to increase the ratings of the ceremony. In addition to the new category, the ceremony will be cut to three hours and moved up a few weeks on the calendar.
As for the latter two decisions, that’s all fine and dandy. It’s a won’t-hurt-but-also-won’t-help situation.
But in cutting the ceremony to three hours, the Academy will stop showing certain awards live on air (say goodbye to your Oscar moments, Sound Editing and Mixing winners)- resembling another awards show, the Tony Awards, which has its fair share of problems (another issue entirely).
It’s great that the Academy will recognize films like Black Panther and Mission Impossible: Fallout with an award, but this decision seems insincere and more like a cash grab consolation prize.
And what exactly constitutes a “popular film”? And now that this category is in place, what kind of legitimacy does “Best Picture” hold to some of the movies that actually won the award?
Some of the best films in history are blockbusters. Lots of people went to see them, and they were damn good.
Look at films like Titanic, or The Lord of the Rings, or The Sound of Music, or Forrest Gump, or West Side Story. All of these were popular films- 1997 saw the highest ratings of any Oscar telecast (57.25 million people) because Titanic was nominated- and all of these films won Best Picture.
Just because people liked a movie doesn’t mean it should be degraded as a piece of art. “Popular” and “Best” can be the same thing. Black Panther is an important piece of filmmaking. Just because of positive audience reception and non-traditional content aren’t what you might see considered in a Best Picture doesn’t mean things can’t change. Don’t lessen the quality of the film (and, in all likelihood, diminish the prestige of Best Picture) by awarding a more than worthy film a stupid consolation prize.
My suggestion would be to keep the nominees at 10 for Best Picture and nominate a wide array of different films, or only nominate five and keep a more open mind as to what gets nominated.
As I’ve said before, award shows are dumb. Who are we to compare one piece of art to another?
But there’s “dumb because of politics,” and then there’s “dumb because the most prestigious awards ceremony in film is trending toward the same prestige as the MTV Movie Awards.”
This is a fake award with vague parameters that further taints an awards ceremony with dwindling credibility.
The move came, as I previously mentioned, out of intense pressure from ABC to increase the ratings of the ceremony. In addition to the new category, the ceremony will be cut to three hours and moved up a few weeks on the calendar.
As for the latter two decisions, that’s all fine and dandy. It’s a won’t-hurt-but-also-won’t-help situation.
But in cutting the ceremony to three hours, the Academy will stop showing certain awards live on air (say goodbye to your Oscar moments, Sound Editing and Mixing winners)- resembling another awards show, the Tony Awards, which has its fair share of problems (another issue entirely).
It’s great that the Academy will recognize films like Black Panther and Mission Impossible: Fallout with an award, but this decision seems insincere and more like a cash grab consolation prize.
And what exactly constitutes a “popular film”? And now that this category is in place, what kind of legitimacy does “Best Picture” hold to some of the movies that actually won the award?
Some of the best films in history are blockbusters. Lots of people went to see them, and they were damn good.
Look at films like Titanic, or The Lord of the Rings, or The Sound of Music, or Forrest Gump, or West Side Story. All of these were popular films- 1997 saw the highest ratings of any Oscar telecast (57.25 million people) because Titanic was nominated- and all of these films won Best Picture.
Just because people liked a movie doesn’t mean it should be degraded as a piece of art. “Popular” and “Best” can be the same thing. Black Panther is an important piece of filmmaking. Just because of positive audience reception and non-traditional content aren’t what you might see considered in a Best Picture doesn’t mean things can’t change. Don’t lessen the quality of the film (and, in all likelihood, diminish the prestige of Best Picture) by awarding a more than worthy film a stupid consolation prize.
My suggestion would be to keep the nominees at 10 for Best Picture and nominate a wide array of different films, or only nominate five and keep a more open mind as to what gets nominated.
As I’ve said before, award shows are dumb. Who are we to compare one piece of art to another?
But there’s “dumb because of politics,” and then there’s “dumb because the most prestigious awards ceremony in film is trending toward the same prestige as the MTV Movie Awards.”
And the Oscar goes to....
This means The Rock is now considerably closer to winning an Oscar. Let that sink in.
TV!
On the other side of the entertainment world, I took a look at the show Insatiable on Netflix.
Yes, THAT Insatiable.
Yes, THAT Insatiable.
The premise is simple...ish. Debby Ryan stars as Patty Bladell, a high school student bullied for being overweight. After punching a homeless man in the face for mocking her physical appearance, the homeless man retaliates, which fractures her jaw and leaves her on a liquid diet for three months. Patty emerges as a new, skinnier version of herself.
After being sued by the homeless man, Patty finds help in Bob Armstrong, a local civil rights lawyer and disgraced beauty pageant coach, who decides to take her case pro bono, all the while grooming her as his next prodigy.
Bob sees Patty as his way back to stardom on the pageant circuit, and Patty sees Bob as her perfect soulmate.
Oh, and Patty also really really wants revenge on anyone who ever bullied her.
It’s messy. Let’s touch on it as briefly as we can.
So I saw the trailer for this, as well as all the backlash for its supposed “fat shaming.”
And I thought to myself: “it can’t really be about that, can it? I mean, the producers can’t be that dumb to release something that straight up plays on this disgusting idea.”
I really thought there had to be some deeper meaning. After all, the backlash came from the trailer, and none of the people signing petitions for the show’s pulling hadn’t actually seen it.
So I didn’t think it could be that problematic… initially.
And then I watched it.
After being sued by the homeless man, Patty finds help in Bob Armstrong, a local civil rights lawyer and disgraced beauty pageant coach, who decides to take her case pro bono, all the while grooming her as his next prodigy.
Bob sees Patty as his way back to stardom on the pageant circuit, and Patty sees Bob as her perfect soulmate.
Oh, and Patty also really really wants revenge on anyone who ever bullied her.
It’s messy. Let’s touch on it as briefly as we can.
So I saw the trailer for this, as well as all the backlash for its supposed “fat shaming.”
And I thought to myself: “it can’t really be about that, can it? I mean, the producers can’t be that dumb to release something that straight up plays on this disgusting idea.”
I really thought there had to be some deeper meaning. After all, the backlash came from the trailer, and none of the people signing petitions for the show’s pulling hadn’t actually seen it.
So I didn’t think it could be that problematic… initially.
And then I watched it.
Spoiler alert: It is that problematic.
It’s not really a great message to be sending to teens who may be insecure in their own bodies, that this is what you need to do in order to be considered pretty.
Also, it’s just bad writing with unlikeable characters.
I think I may have heard the phrase “but I wanted my revenge” from Patty at least ten times in the pilot alone. I can’t. I don’t care.
NPR’s Linda Holmes gave this show a scathing review:
“Let me assure you: It is not satire. Insatiable is satire in the same way someone who screams profanities out a car window is a spoken-word poet. Satire requires a point of view; this has none. It generally requires some feel for humor, however dark; this has none. It requires a mastery of tone; this has none. It requires a sense that the actors are all part of the same project; this has none.”
I’d agree, especially with the last point. Bob (Dallas Roberts) and Patty have zero on screen chemistry. It also doesn’t help that he’s old enough to be her father, and she’s pining over him. The faux-relationship is fuzzy and it make me feel like I need to take a shower.
The characters are nothing more than grossly broad stereotypes, and the social commentary reeks of feigned wokeness. This is probably Netflix’s worst show so far.
It’s not really a great message to be sending to teens who may be insecure in their own bodies, that this is what you need to do in order to be considered pretty.
Also, it’s just bad writing with unlikeable characters.
I think I may have heard the phrase “but I wanted my revenge” from Patty at least ten times in the pilot alone. I can’t. I don’t care.
NPR’s Linda Holmes gave this show a scathing review:
“Let me assure you: It is not satire. Insatiable is satire in the same way someone who screams profanities out a car window is a spoken-word poet. Satire requires a point of view; this has none. It generally requires some feel for humor, however dark; this has none. It requires a mastery of tone; this has none. It requires a sense that the actors are all part of the same project; this has none.”
I’d agree, especially with the last point. Bob (Dallas Roberts) and Patty have zero on screen chemistry. It also doesn’t help that he’s old enough to be her father, and she’s pining over him. The faux-relationship is fuzzy and it make me feel like I need to take a shower.
The characters are nothing more than grossly broad stereotypes, and the social commentary reeks of feigned wokeness. This is probably Netflix’s worst show so far.
Politics!
On paper, it was just another month for the White House.
But of course, for this White House, another month is always the opposite of “just another month.”
Paul Manafort and Michael Cohen, two former associates of Donald Trump, were arrested and indicted in the last few weeks of the month.
Manafort served as chairman of the Trump campaign from June until August 2016. Some of his past work was the subject of controversy, as he participated in meetings with pro-Russian Ukrainian businessmen, one such meeting took place at Trump tower for the purpose of delivering “dirt” on Hillary Clinton’s campaign.
Manafort was indicted in October on counts of tax evasion, money laundering, failing to identify as a foreign official, and making false statements to investigators.
He faces up to 80 years in prison.
Cohen, who served as Trump’s personal lawyer from 2006 until his firing in May, plead guilty to eight felony charges ranging from tax evasion, to lying to banks in order to obtain loans, to making illegal contributions to the Trump campaign, and even to two counts of violating campaign finance laws in order to pay off women who claimed to have affairs with Trump.
Cohen implicated the President in his plea, saying he made his payments “at the discretion of the candidate” for the purposes of influencing the election.
So this is fun.
I try not to waste too much of my time being shocked at the fact that the Trump administration is corrupt. I believe what I read in the news, and I can only say that I’m shocked that news actually broke.
What I’m not so surprised by has been the President’s assessment of the situation.
“Doesn’t involve me,” he muttered in an interview, attempting to distance himself from his former lawyer. He later tweeted about Cohen, advising people to not “retain the services of Michael Cohen” if they’re looking for a “good lawyer.”
I’m also not as surprised by Trump’s base reacting by still believing the President is not corrupt.
But I think they know something’s up, and they’re trying to save face by looking tough behind a computer screen in the face of danger.
I’m not going to jump to conclusions and say that Trump should be ready for impeachment because I believe the machine he has created is stubborn and will not allow him to leave office under someone else’s power, if it can be helped.
But god, if this isn’t reason to vote in November, I don’t know what is.
Somebody humble this asshole, and quick.
But of course, for this White House, another month is always the opposite of “just another month.”
Paul Manafort and Michael Cohen, two former associates of Donald Trump, were arrested and indicted in the last few weeks of the month.
Manafort served as chairman of the Trump campaign from June until August 2016. Some of his past work was the subject of controversy, as he participated in meetings with pro-Russian Ukrainian businessmen, one such meeting took place at Trump tower for the purpose of delivering “dirt” on Hillary Clinton’s campaign.
Manafort was indicted in October on counts of tax evasion, money laundering, failing to identify as a foreign official, and making false statements to investigators.
He faces up to 80 years in prison.
Cohen, who served as Trump’s personal lawyer from 2006 until his firing in May, plead guilty to eight felony charges ranging from tax evasion, to lying to banks in order to obtain loans, to making illegal contributions to the Trump campaign, and even to two counts of violating campaign finance laws in order to pay off women who claimed to have affairs with Trump.
Cohen implicated the President in his plea, saying he made his payments “at the discretion of the candidate” for the purposes of influencing the election.
So this is fun.
I try not to waste too much of my time being shocked at the fact that the Trump administration is corrupt. I believe what I read in the news, and I can only say that I’m shocked that news actually broke.
What I’m not so surprised by has been the President’s assessment of the situation.
“Doesn’t involve me,” he muttered in an interview, attempting to distance himself from his former lawyer. He later tweeted about Cohen, advising people to not “retain the services of Michael Cohen” if they’re looking for a “good lawyer.”
I’m also not as surprised by Trump’s base reacting by still believing the President is not corrupt.
But I think they know something’s up, and they’re trying to save face by looking tough behind a computer screen in the face of danger.
I’m not going to jump to conclusions and say that Trump should be ready for impeachment because I believe the machine he has created is stubborn and will not allow him to leave office under someone else’s power, if it can be helped.
But god, if this isn’t reason to vote in November, I don’t know what is.
Somebody humble this asshole, and quick.
Sports!
We’ll finish up with some sports, because there’s a lot to talk about.
This wasn’t a great month for sports, as we had some major issues and scandals stemming from prominent college football programs.
This wasn’t a great month for sports, as we had some major issues and scandals stemming from prominent college football programs.
Urban Meyer gives a press conference regarding his handling of a domestic violence dispute involving a member of his coaching staff.
The first involves Ohio State football coach Urban Meyer, who was suspended for three games after he failed to efficiently disclose information to the NCAA about one of his assistant coaches (Zach Smith), who was involved in a domestic violence dispute with his wife. Meyer fired Smith, but investigators discovered that Meyer had destroyed texts and emails in order to, as Meyer put it, “give [Smith] the benefit of the doubt.”
Meyer was placed on administrative leave after an investigation by a University panel.
At first, this seemed to be a non-issue. I watched the interview with Zach Smith on ESPN, and he seemed accepting of his punishment. He constantly repeated that Meyer said if he found out anything was going on, Smith would be fired on the spot.
But after this story sat with me for a little bit, it dawned on me just how bad of a leader Urban Meyer is.
Your job as a football coach is to win football games, and I completely understand that. But there is a line between right and wrong. No matter how long you sit on it for, not taking immediate, appropriate action against someone who assaulted his wife is just wrong.
You’re also setting an example for the young men you coach, who were unaware of the fact that you were protecting a man who performed a despicable act. The act of protecting this man is embarrassing and shameful in and of itself, and the subsequent press conferences that Meyer gave just dig the University deeper into a hole.
Will this affect Ohio State this season? Of course not.
The games they’ll play without Meyer are at home against Oregon State and Rutgers (two unranked opponents) and at 10th-ranked TCU.
Even without their head coach, the team will roll over Oregon State and Rutgers. If they can gel as a team without Meyer in those two games, they shouldn’t have a problem with TCU, even if the game is in Fort Worth.
It’s a shame. The NCAA and its coaches need to do better, especially when there are student athletes being suspended for far more benign offenses.
If you’re high-profile, it appears you should be okay. If you’re not gone for too long, people can still make money off your namesake. Which is bullshit.
Be better.
Meyer was placed on administrative leave after an investigation by a University panel.
At first, this seemed to be a non-issue. I watched the interview with Zach Smith on ESPN, and he seemed accepting of his punishment. He constantly repeated that Meyer said if he found out anything was going on, Smith would be fired on the spot.
But after this story sat with me for a little bit, it dawned on me just how bad of a leader Urban Meyer is.
Your job as a football coach is to win football games, and I completely understand that. But there is a line between right and wrong. No matter how long you sit on it for, not taking immediate, appropriate action against someone who assaulted his wife is just wrong.
You’re also setting an example for the young men you coach, who were unaware of the fact that you were protecting a man who performed a despicable act. The act of protecting this man is embarrassing and shameful in and of itself, and the subsequent press conferences that Meyer gave just dig the University deeper into a hole.
Will this affect Ohio State this season? Of course not.
The games they’ll play without Meyer are at home against Oregon State and Rutgers (two unranked opponents) and at 10th-ranked TCU.
Even without their head coach, the team will roll over Oregon State and Rutgers. If they can gel as a team without Meyer in those two games, they shouldn’t have a problem with TCU, even if the game is in Fort Worth.
It’s a shame. The NCAA and its coaches need to do better, especially when there are student athletes being suspended for far more benign offenses.
If you’re high-profile, it appears you should be okay. If you’re not gone for too long, people can still make money off your namesake. Which is bullshit.
Be better.
Maryland and Jordan McNair
Maryland football coach D.J. Durkin (right) sits during a press conference stemming from the death of one of his players back in May.
I also want to touch quickly on Maryland.
Jordan McNair, a 19-year old offensive lineman, passed out from heat exhaustion during a workout on May 29th. He died on June 13th.
Once again, this story has forced not only the University of Maryland, but college football programs across the country, to reflect upon a hypermasculine culture bred on intimidation and belittlement, and whether or not these sports teams are adequately protecting their players.
Maryland strength coach Rick Court has been fired. Maryland head coach D.J. Durkin has been placed on administrative leave after an investigation into the affair was started by University President Wallace D. Loh. On behalf of the college, Loh accepted both “legal and moral responsibility” for McNair’s death.
This makes me shake my head in disgust, this whole thing. It makes me sick.
There have been 31 college player deaths in offseason workouts, drills and practices since 2000 that are related to heat stroke, exhaustion, cardiac issues, and others. Thirty one.
Since 2013 alone, there have been eight cases involving extreme heat stroke that have resulted in three deaths.
These are kids. They’re kids who go to school to get an education. The fact that sports teams have more value in this country than education is absurd.
And the Maryland coaching staff literally intimidated, belittled, and pushed one of these kids so hard that they killed him.
That’s a strong sentence but this pisses me way too much the fuck off to care.
According to a study done by the Korey Stringer Institute at the University of Connecticut (Stringer was a Minnesota Vikings player who died of heat stroke in 2001), heat stroke is readily treatable with “100 percent survivability.”
There is no way that Jordan McNair should have collapsed and left to suffer out there. His coaching staff should have done something. ANYthing.
But because college football is part of this overly masculine culture, where only the fit survive and any showing of weakness (critical or otherwise) is considered grounds for humiliation and removal, they did nothing.
In the offseason, player workouts, drills, and practices are not as intensely monitored, and so players can be subjected to needlessly intense physical activity.
It’s good that Court was removed, and the Durkin will probably also be let go by the University once this investigation is complete. Props to President Loh for accepting responsibility on behalf of the University.
There needs to be some kind of monitoring that goes on year round for these athletes. It needs to keep the players in check, but it also needs to keep the coaches in check. If sports are so highly regarded in American society, shouldn’t we have some standards of safety to protect the game’s integrity?
Jordan McNair, a 19-year old offensive lineman, passed out from heat exhaustion during a workout on May 29th. He died on June 13th.
Once again, this story has forced not only the University of Maryland, but college football programs across the country, to reflect upon a hypermasculine culture bred on intimidation and belittlement, and whether or not these sports teams are adequately protecting their players.
Maryland strength coach Rick Court has been fired. Maryland head coach D.J. Durkin has been placed on administrative leave after an investigation into the affair was started by University President Wallace D. Loh. On behalf of the college, Loh accepted both “legal and moral responsibility” for McNair’s death.
This makes me shake my head in disgust, this whole thing. It makes me sick.
There have been 31 college player deaths in offseason workouts, drills and practices since 2000 that are related to heat stroke, exhaustion, cardiac issues, and others. Thirty one.
Since 2013 alone, there have been eight cases involving extreme heat stroke that have resulted in three deaths.
These are kids. They’re kids who go to school to get an education. The fact that sports teams have more value in this country than education is absurd.
And the Maryland coaching staff literally intimidated, belittled, and pushed one of these kids so hard that they killed him.
That’s a strong sentence but this pisses me way too much the fuck off to care.
According to a study done by the Korey Stringer Institute at the University of Connecticut (Stringer was a Minnesota Vikings player who died of heat stroke in 2001), heat stroke is readily treatable with “100 percent survivability.”
There is no way that Jordan McNair should have collapsed and left to suffer out there. His coaching staff should have done something. ANYthing.
But because college football is part of this overly masculine culture, where only the fit survive and any showing of weakness (critical or otherwise) is considered grounds for humiliation and removal, they did nothing.
In the offseason, player workouts, drills, and practices are not as intensely monitored, and so players can be subjected to needlessly intense physical activity.
It’s good that Court was removed, and the Durkin will probably also be let go by the University once this investigation is complete. Props to President Loh for accepting responsibility on behalf of the University.
There needs to be some kind of monitoring that goes on year round for these athletes. It needs to keep the players in check, but it also needs to keep the coaches in check. If sports are so highly regarded in American society, shouldn’t we have some standards of safety to protect the game’s integrity?
The Return of Johnny Football
We’ll shake that one off and move on to a sports story that made me laugh.
This is Johnny Manziel. He used to play football at Texas A&M.
This is Johnny Manziel. He used to play football at Texas A&M.
He’s a good quarterback. He even won the Heisman Trophy as the best college football player. But he’s also cocky. Really cocky.
He left college after two years and got drafted by the Cleveland Browns (where football careers go to die), and he actually won a few games with them.
(Truth be told, I feel like the last time the Browns were actually winning more than two or three games in a season, Manziel was their quarterback.)
But Manziel got into drugs and partying and was quickly out of the league, and checked himself into a rehab facility.
After trying to make a comeback in the NFL, Manziel went to Canada to join the CFL, where he joined the roster of the Hamilton Tiger-Cats, after which he was quickly traded to the current basement-dwellers of the CFL, the Montreal Alouettes.
And Manziel got to actually start a game for the Alouettes, in week seven, against his former team.
(Truth be told, I feel like the last time the Browns were actually winning more than two or three games in a season, Manziel was their quarterback.)
But Manziel got into drugs and partying and was quickly out of the league, and checked himself into a rehab facility.
After trying to make a comeback in the NFL, Manziel went to Canada to join the CFL, where he joined the roster of the Hamilton Tiger-Cats, after which he was quickly traded to the current basement-dwellers of the CFL, the Montreal Alouettes.
And Manziel got to actually start a game for the Alouettes, in week seven, against his former team.
Manziel (#2, right) watches as Larry Dean (#11) intercepts one of his passes.
Manziel’s first pass was a five yard loss. His second pass was intercepted. By halftime, he had thrown four interceptions. He was 11/24 for 104 yards.
Johnny Football’s fall from grace has been astounding to watch. He was too willing to get out of college, but probably could have benefitted from a few more years’ play (and probably a few more years’ maturity).
He’s just coming back from injury after two weeks away, so we’ll see what happens in the next chapter of Mr. Manziel.
Presently, the Alouettes sit at 2-8, at the bottom of the CFL standings.
Football’s hard.
Johnny Football’s fall from grace has been astounding to watch. He was too willing to get out of college, but probably could have benefitted from a few more years’ play (and probably a few more years’ maturity).
He’s just coming back from injury after two weeks away, so we’ll see what happens in the next chapter of Mr. Manziel.
Presently, the Alouettes sit at 2-8, at the bottom of the CFL standings.
Football’s hard.
The Best Thing I Saw This Month!
And, of course, we wrap things up with the best thing I saw this month.
The best thing I saw this month is actually two things.
The first is this video of a South Korean taekwondo team.
The best thing I saw this month is actually two things.
The first is this video of a South Korean taekwondo team.
If this isn’t something straight of, like, Naruto or Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, I don’t know what is.
The second, and probably the most important, is from Norway.
The second, and probably the most important, is from Norway.
Enter the world belly flop championships. Or, as they call it in Norway, Dødsing, or, “Death Diving.”
Essentially, it’s the basic belly flop with a bit of a twist. A bit of mustard, if you will.
The competitors launch themselves from a ten-meter diving platform and do all kinds of flips, spins, and other maneuvers, before straightening themselves out and impacting the water abdomen first (you'll notice they'll recoil slightly before impact, because they're not barbarians, obviously).
It’s mystifying, terrifying, and hilarious all at the same time.
Here are some highlights from the 2018 World Championships:
Essentially, it’s the basic belly flop with a bit of a twist. A bit of mustard, if you will.
The competitors launch themselves from a ten-meter diving platform and do all kinds of flips, spins, and other maneuvers, before straightening themselves out and impacting the water abdomen first (you'll notice they'll recoil slightly before impact, because they're not barbarians, obviously).
It’s mystifying, terrifying, and hilarious all at the same time.
Here are some highlights from the 2018 World Championships:
Something about these people flying from above like missiles (and the best is when it’s two or three at a time) is beautiful to me.
And, of course, the divers hitting the water makes me die laughing every time.
This has been your August Wrap Sheet! Leave a comment down below if there's anything you think I missed, or if you have any suggestions for future posts!
Also, some other media news I promised earlier...
I’m working on a new vodcast called Under Further Review, and our first episode just went live on Facebook a few days ago!
Join me and Kata Stevens as we explore the world of sports and drink while we’re doing it.
Click HERE to join in on the fun, and make sure to follow us on Twitter and Instagram using the handle @ufrvodcast.
And, of course, the divers hitting the water makes me die laughing every time.
This has been your August Wrap Sheet! Leave a comment down below if there's anything you think I missed, or if you have any suggestions for future posts!
Also, some other media news I promised earlier...
I’m working on a new vodcast called Under Further Review, and our first episode just went live on Facebook a few days ago!
Join me and Kata Stevens as we explore the world of sports and drink while we’re doing it.
Click HERE to join in on the fun, and make sure to follow us on Twitter and Instagram using the handle @ufrvodcast.
The Wrap Sheet
A monthly airing of thoughts and grievances
July, 2018
Happy 242nd birthday, America!
Apologies for the late posting (I know, it’s August 2nd). But let’s talk about July!
I have a lot to get to this week, including some major sports news, a film review, opinions on Twitter, theatre, and a new segment I’m calling the Best Thing I Saw This Month.
Let’s muse.
I have a lot to get to this week, including some major sports news, a film review, opinions on Twitter, theatre, and a new segment I’m calling the Best Thing I Saw This Month.
Let’s muse.
Sports!
That is LeBron James. Wearing purple and gold. (Ty Nowell/Los Angeles Lakers)
I want to get sports out of the way first. The big story didn’t really feel like a big story because we all knew it was coming- LeBron James is now a member of the Los Angeles Lakers. He signed a 4-year, $153.3 million contract earlier in the month.
My hot take is that this doesn’t make the Lakers championship contenders. I mean, obviously it does, any team with LeBron on it is a contender, but it doesn’t make them automatic championship contenders. In fact, I think LeBron made it harder on himself by going to the Western Conference, especially since the Warriors just brought in DeMarcus Cousins to add to their superteam.
As it stands, LeBron is surrounded by an underwhelming but somewhat-decent cast including Rajon Rondo, Kyle Kuzma, JaVale McGee, and Brandon Ingram, with players like Lonzo Ball, Lance Stephenson, and Kentavious Caldwell-Pope coming off the bench. I don’t know about you, but I’m not scared of that team if I’m the Warriors, Rockets, or Celtics.
The West is going to be a bloodbath this season.
My hot take is that this doesn’t make the Lakers championship contenders. I mean, obviously it does, any team with LeBron on it is a contender, but it doesn’t make them automatic championship contenders. In fact, I think LeBron made it harder on himself by going to the Western Conference, especially since the Warriors just brought in DeMarcus Cousins to add to their superteam.
As it stands, LeBron is surrounded by an underwhelming but somewhat-decent cast including Rajon Rondo, Kyle Kuzma, JaVale McGee, and Brandon Ingram, with players like Lonzo Ball, Lance Stephenson, and Kentavious Caldwell-Pope coming off the bench. I don’t know about you, but I’m not scared of that team if I’m the Warriors, Rockets, or Celtics.
The West is going to be a bloodbath this season.
France: Because Nobody Else Wanted To. (Getty)
In soccer, France defeated Croatia, 4-2, in the most boring World Cup Final pairing of all time.
Woods, understandably frustrated, could not hold his final round lead. He finished at 5-under for the championship. (Harry How/Golf Digest)
In golf, Tiger Woods made a run at the British open after being fairly mediocre through the first two rounds, eventually holding an outright lead on the front nine of his final round. Unfortunately, Woods couldn't hold the lead for long. The 14-time major champion finished three strokes back of eventual winner, Italian Francesco Molinari, who became the first of his countryman to win a major championship.
What really struck me, though, was Rory McIlroy's beautiful double-fist-pump-pirouette combo after sinking a long eagle putt on #14 to put him within a stroke of the leaders.
What really struck me, though, was Rory McIlroy's beautiful double-fist-pump-pirouette combo after sinking a long eagle putt on #14 to put him within a stroke of the leaders.
RORS! □️ #TheOpen pic.twitter.com/6wGUv1EjGk
— Golf Channel (@GolfChannel) July 22, 2018
LOL at Putin's smug-ass face. (Yuri Kadobnov/Getty Images)
Donald Trump, after meeting with Vladimir Putin at a summit in Helsinki, said that he didn’t “see any reason why it would be Russia” interfering with this country’s elections, causing major internet backlash.
Trump sided with Russia. What else is new?
What I want to talk about is the backlash and eventual revision of the statement. In a press conference a few days later, facing fury from both his supporters and opposers, said that he misspoke.
“I thought it would be obvious,” he told the press, “but I would like to clarify just in case it wasn’t (it wasn’t, hence the backlash). In a key sentence in my remarks, I said the word ‘would’ instead of ‘wouldn’t’... The sentence should have been: ‘I don’t see any reason why I wouldn’t, or why it wouldn’t be Russia.’ Sort of a double negative. So you can put that in, and I think that probably clarifies things pretty good by itself.”
Obviously it didn’t clarify things pretty good by themselves. The comment sparked the hashtags #would and #wouldnt trended worldwide on twitter.
But Trump very clearly being an idiot again is not what I want to discuss.
I’m sorry if this seems to “normalize” Trump’s behavior, but I think we need to stop being shocked at what he does or doesn’t do that is defined as “normal,” and look forward to the next voting cycle so that we can put an end to this buffoonery.
This story brings me to my main point: Twitter.
Trump sided with Russia. What else is new?
What I want to talk about is the backlash and eventual revision of the statement. In a press conference a few days later, facing fury from both his supporters and opposers, said that he misspoke.
“I thought it would be obvious,” he told the press, “but I would like to clarify just in case it wasn’t (it wasn’t, hence the backlash). In a key sentence in my remarks, I said the word ‘would’ instead of ‘wouldn’t’... The sentence should have been: ‘I don’t see any reason why I wouldn’t, or why it wouldn’t be Russia.’ Sort of a double negative. So you can put that in, and I think that probably clarifies things pretty good by itself.”
Obviously it didn’t clarify things pretty good by themselves. The comment sparked the hashtags #would and #wouldnt trended worldwide on twitter.
But Trump very clearly being an idiot again is not what I want to discuss.
I’m sorry if this seems to “normalize” Trump’s behavior, but I think we need to stop being shocked at what he does or doesn’t do that is defined as “normal,” and look forward to the next voting cycle so that we can put an end to this buffoonery.
This story brings me to my main point: Twitter.
So fly.
Twitter and I have a love-hate relationship. I use it to get a lot of my breaking news from journalists I follow. It’s very convenient to have all of my news in the same place divided not by media outlet, but by primary source. It’s also a convenient place for me to find memes and other funny things to retweet so I can convince my followers that I have a sense of humor.
It also pisses me the hell off sometimes; so much utter shit goes through that universe that it makes me want to pull the plug on social media altogether. There’s just so many opinions on Twitter that I do. Not. Care. About.
One such issue I take with Twitter is that of a potential “edit tweet” option. And I totally get understand its appeal to the mass-users, the “casual tweeters.”
You spend a few minutes crafting a tweet. Maybe it’s over the 280 character mark. Maybe you’re looking for just the right wording. And you send it, and it gets a bunch of likes and retweets, but you notice -gasp- it’s got a typo. Maybe even a few typos. But you’ve already worked so hard to get those likes! And since there’s no editing option, you’re forced to delete the tweet, type it again, and resend it, and you look like an idiot to your friends because you’re double posting, and the same people probably won’t like/retweet it again because they did the first time and I GET THE APPEAL OKAY.
My opinion on the edit button is that there shouldn’t be one. That’s the beauty of Twitter- it’s very stream-of-consciousness, at least for most of us who don’t use twitter to break news. I say leave the edit button to Facebook and Instagram. Also, if you can’t take two seconds re-read a tweet for typos, you don’t deserve an “edit tweet” button.
Also, consider the following, if you want to get technical about it: a certain politician tweets something nice and considerate. It receives a million likes and a million retweets.
And then that certain politician uses the “edit tweet” function to make that tweet really racist or homophobic or xenophobic, and it looks like those million people who liked and retweeted actually liked and retweeted a really awful tweet.
Hold people accountable for their actions and don’t even think about adding an “edit tweet” option.
Also, learn to spell check your own work.
It also pisses me the hell off sometimes; so much utter shit goes through that universe that it makes me want to pull the plug on social media altogether. There’s just so many opinions on Twitter that I do. Not. Care. About.
One such issue I take with Twitter is that of a potential “edit tweet” option. And I totally get understand its appeal to the mass-users, the “casual tweeters.”
You spend a few minutes crafting a tweet. Maybe it’s over the 280 character mark. Maybe you’re looking for just the right wording. And you send it, and it gets a bunch of likes and retweets, but you notice -gasp- it’s got a typo. Maybe even a few typos. But you’ve already worked so hard to get those likes! And since there’s no editing option, you’re forced to delete the tweet, type it again, and resend it, and you look like an idiot to your friends because you’re double posting, and the same people probably won’t like/retweet it again because they did the first time and I GET THE APPEAL OKAY.
My opinion on the edit button is that there shouldn’t be one. That’s the beauty of Twitter- it’s very stream-of-consciousness, at least for most of us who don’t use twitter to break news. I say leave the edit button to Facebook and Instagram. Also, if you can’t take two seconds re-read a tweet for typos, you don’t deserve an “edit tweet” button.
Also, consider the following, if you want to get technical about it: a certain politician tweets something nice and considerate. It receives a million likes and a million retweets.
And then that certain politician uses the “edit tweet” function to make that tweet really racist or homophobic or xenophobic, and it looks like those million people who liked and retweeted actually liked and retweeted a really awful tweet.
Hold people accountable for their actions and don’t even think about adding an “edit tweet” option.
Also, learn to spell check your own work.
Movies!
Writer/director Bo Burnham (left) and Elsie Fisher (right) work on a scene from "Eighth Grade."
I only saw one movie in July, and that was Bo Burnham’s coming of age comedy, Eighth Grade.
Jesus, was this movie a hot mess.
And by "hot mess," I mean the life of Kayla (played by Elsie Fisher, a shy, awkward thirteen-year-old who struggles to figure out what it means to be popular, pretty, social, and above all, herself, as she navigates the murky waters of her final week of middle school.
(Because I can’t do movie reviews that aren’t spoiler-free, there are mild spoilers ahead.)
Anyone who has been through the actual eighth grade in the last two decades knows what Kayla has been through: the terror of attending school, the anxiety of trying to impress the cool kids, and the pressure of living up to the expectations of parents. Eighth Grade makes you take a long, cringey trip down memory lane, while all the while making you look your own awkward experiences in the face.
Kayla’s father Mark (Josh Hamilton) plays a loving parent who wants nothing more than to show his daughter love and support as she grows older. His monologue toward the end about taking pride in being a parent and how he wants the same for Kayla is soul-stirring.
But where Eighth Grade took a turn for me was its setting. It’s set in the present, and middle school in 2018 is very different from middle school in 2008.
What the kids in Eighth Grade have that I never had at that age were smartphones and easy internet access. Kayla makes and shares advice videos on YouTube, the other kids in the movie navigate Instagram and Snapchat with relative ease. There’s also the added pressure of sexual discovery that is briefly touched upon in the film, but Burnham refrains from going too over the top on that front. It’s perfectly cringey and illustrates 2000s teenage insecurity perfectly. It’s deliciously agonizing to watch Kayla’s every move.
Navigating this current world is hard enough (and I say that now, as a twentysomething living on his own in New York), but I can’t even imagine doing it when you’re newly thirteen. Eighth Grade knocks it out of the park. Depending on the competition, Bo Burnham could find himself at the Oscars with a screenwriting nomination next year.
Jesus, was this movie a hot mess.
And by "hot mess," I mean the life of Kayla (played by Elsie Fisher, a shy, awkward thirteen-year-old who struggles to figure out what it means to be popular, pretty, social, and above all, herself, as she navigates the murky waters of her final week of middle school.
(Because I can’t do movie reviews that aren’t spoiler-free, there are mild spoilers ahead.)
Anyone who has been through the actual eighth grade in the last two decades knows what Kayla has been through: the terror of attending school, the anxiety of trying to impress the cool kids, and the pressure of living up to the expectations of parents. Eighth Grade makes you take a long, cringey trip down memory lane, while all the while making you look your own awkward experiences in the face.
Kayla’s father Mark (Josh Hamilton) plays a loving parent who wants nothing more than to show his daughter love and support as she grows older. His monologue toward the end about taking pride in being a parent and how he wants the same for Kayla is soul-stirring.
But where Eighth Grade took a turn for me was its setting. It’s set in the present, and middle school in 2018 is very different from middle school in 2008.
What the kids in Eighth Grade have that I never had at that age were smartphones and easy internet access. Kayla makes and shares advice videos on YouTube, the other kids in the movie navigate Instagram and Snapchat with relative ease. There’s also the added pressure of sexual discovery that is briefly touched upon in the film, but Burnham refrains from going too over the top on that front. It’s perfectly cringey and illustrates 2000s teenage insecurity perfectly. It’s deliciously agonizing to watch Kayla’s every move.
Navigating this current world is hard enough (and I say that now, as a twentysomething living on his own in New York), but I can’t even imagine doing it when you’re newly thirteen. Eighth Grade knocks it out of the park. Depending on the competition, Bo Burnham could find himself at the Oscars with a screenwriting nomination next year.
Theatre!
Taylor Iman Jones (center) and the company of the new broadway musical "Head Over Heels," currently playing at the Hudson Theatre. (Joan Marcus/Playbill)
17 years ago, a show featuring the music of ABBA opened up on Broadway to mixed reviews. That show was Mamma Mia!. It won a grand total of zero Tony Awards after being nominated for only five. But it ran for 14 years, spawned various national tours, and had two movie spin-offs. Anything can happen to a show if enough people give it a chance and see it.
I work as an usher on Broadway for the show Head Over Heels, which just opened last Thursday to, let’s be less, less than stellar reviews. You can read one of those reviews here.
Head Over Heels is based on Sir Philip Sidney’s poem The Countess of Pembroke’s Arcadia, set to the music of the popular revolutionary 80’s band The Go-Go’s. It’s a bizarre combination of heightened english text and mainstream pop music that blends together really well. It’s also the gayest thing I’ve ever had the pleasure to see and I’m so here for it.
But the show got bashed over the head by reviews. Now, ticket sales have been relatively steady and I don’t know how much of that has to do with the fact that the show is now finally open or the controversy surrounding New York Times reporter Ben Brantley, who intentionally misgendered the show’s transgender star, Peppermint, as a joke during his review (Peppermint is the first transgender woman to originate a principal role on Broadway) and his subsequent apology.
The jukebox musical has run its course on Broadway, I’d say. Ever since Jersey Boys reached the top of the mountain, you don’t see too many reaching that same fanfare. That’s not to say they’re not popular, because we’ve had a plethora of them reach Broadway since 2000- they are recognizable commodities, after all- but as far as critical reception, I feel like folks are generally tired of their existence and prevalence over more original works.
The thing with Head Over Heels is that it doesn’t feel like a jukebox musical, at least not to this particular millennial. Perhaps it’s because I was not ultra-familiar with the Go-Go’s canon before seeing the show, and thus many of the songs feel fresh to me (thanks to the brilliant work of orchestrator Tom Kitt), not to mention the lyrics lend themselves to the book, which I think is the strength of the piece.
Working in show business, so often do I hear “oh, I heard it didn’t get very good reviews,” which is basically the same thing as saying “someone else I don’t know said it’s not worth my time, so I’m not going to give it a try.”
This is less of an opinion piece and more of a public service announcement. The only person who can decide if something is for you is YOU. Not a reviewer, not the internet, not your friend or family member- you.
I stress this every year- don’t let reviews or the number of Tony Awards a show wins dictate what you see in New York. Some musicals make you think- there’s nothing wrong with that. Some musicals make you smile and laugh until your face hurts, and that’s their only purpose- there’s nothing wrong with that either. I am sick and tired of people going to see award-winning shows for the sake of seeming cultured or bragging to their friends that they got to see their favorite movie star in a garbage play. Alas, this is the nature of commercial theatre- marketing and selling tickets in any way a show can. Perhaps Head Over Heels hasn’t done the best possible job at that, but in my attempt to sway the populace away from the norm and into the unknown: give the show a chance. Theatre is entertainment, and that’s what this show brings to the table. Its message is also timeless- Love and acceptance and equal representation for all. What’s not to love?
I work as an usher on Broadway for the show Head Over Heels, which just opened last Thursday to, let’s be less, less than stellar reviews. You can read one of those reviews here.
Head Over Heels is based on Sir Philip Sidney’s poem The Countess of Pembroke’s Arcadia, set to the music of the popular revolutionary 80’s band The Go-Go’s. It’s a bizarre combination of heightened english text and mainstream pop music that blends together really well. It’s also the gayest thing I’ve ever had the pleasure to see and I’m so here for it.
But the show got bashed over the head by reviews. Now, ticket sales have been relatively steady and I don’t know how much of that has to do with the fact that the show is now finally open or the controversy surrounding New York Times reporter Ben Brantley, who intentionally misgendered the show’s transgender star, Peppermint, as a joke during his review (Peppermint is the first transgender woman to originate a principal role on Broadway) and his subsequent apology.
The jukebox musical has run its course on Broadway, I’d say. Ever since Jersey Boys reached the top of the mountain, you don’t see too many reaching that same fanfare. That’s not to say they’re not popular, because we’ve had a plethora of them reach Broadway since 2000- they are recognizable commodities, after all- but as far as critical reception, I feel like folks are generally tired of their existence and prevalence over more original works.
The thing with Head Over Heels is that it doesn’t feel like a jukebox musical, at least not to this particular millennial. Perhaps it’s because I was not ultra-familiar with the Go-Go’s canon before seeing the show, and thus many of the songs feel fresh to me (thanks to the brilliant work of orchestrator Tom Kitt), not to mention the lyrics lend themselves to the book, which I think is the strength of the piece.
Working in show business, so often do I hear “oh, I heard it didn’t get very good reviews,” which is basically the same thing as saying “someone else I don’t know said it’s not worth my time, so I’m not going to give it a try.”
This is less of an opinion piece and more of a public service announcement. The only person who can decide if something is for you is YOU. Not a reviewer, not the internet, not your friend or family member- you.
I stress this every year- don’t let reviews or the number of Tony Awards a show wins dictate what you see in New York. Some musicals make you think- there’s nothing wrong with that. Some musicals make you smile and laugh until your face hurts, and that’s their only purpose- there’s nothing wrong with that either. I am sick and tired of people going to see award-winning shows for the sake of seeming cultured or bragging to their friends that they got to see their favorite movie star in a garbage play. Alas, this is the nature of commercial theatre- marketing and selling tickets in any way a show can. Perhaps Head Over Heels hasn’t done the best possible job at that, but in my attempt to sway the populace away from the norm and into the unknown: give the show a chance. Theatre is entertainment, and that’s what this show brings to the table. Its message is also timeless- Love and acceptance and equal representation for all. What’s not to love?
And finally... The best thing I saw this month.
Ah yes. Dudes shoving hot dogs in their mouths. As American as apple pie. (AP)
This last section is the best thing I saw this month, and it revolves around the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest, which took place at Coney Island on July 4th. I had the pleasure of being there this year (although it is something I will probably never do again), and I was introduced first hand to one particular individual who will live forever in my memory.
And no, I’m not talking about any of the eaters. I was there- there’s no way in hell Joey Chestnut ate 74 hotdogs and buns in 10 minutes due to a "massive judging error."
No, the real hero of the day was a man by the name of George Shea. He's this guy, who does all the announcing for the event. The guy who wears the hat that says to everyone he's a guy running for mayor in a small town in Missouri (pronounced mizz-UR-uh, not mizz-UR-ee).
George Shea.
And no, I’m not talking about any of the eaters. I was there- there’s no way in hell Joey Chestnut ate 74 hotdogs and buns in 10 minutes due to a "massive judging error."
No, the real hero of the day was a man by the name of George Shea. He's this guy, who does all the announcing for the event. The guy who wears the hat that says to everyone he's a guy running for mayor in a small town in Missouri (pronounced mizz-UR-uh, not mizz-UR-ee).
George Shea.
Shea was an aspiring writer who studied literature at Columbia, but later found himself managing a PR firm along with his brother Richard, the same firm that handled the Nathan’s account. Together, the two took the hot dog eating contest from a sideshow event and turned it into an international phenomenon watched by millions of people on national television every independence day.
In 1997, the brothers founded the International Federation for Competitive Eating, later renamed Major League Eating, and began to hold eating competitions around the world (and yes, there are videos of people shoving not just hot dogs, but everything from pork rolls, to oysters, to raw onions down their gullets in an allotted time). Thanks to the success of breakout stars like Takeru Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut (and the two’s back-and-forth rivalry), the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest has become an event that is far removed from a vaudeville event.
With George Shea at the helm as emcee, he has elevated it from a sideshow attraction to a place on the pedestal at God’s right hand.
Shea has a knack for introducing the colorful competitors with such incredibly outlandish fervor, that he has turned himself into a national treasure. He has the ability to dance upon the razor-sharp edge between a joke and a very real emotional event. These introductions are absurd, verbose, elaborate, ironic, and uniquely inspiring, packed with esoteric references and grandiose language. He delivers his speeches with a charismatic energy that it rivals (and, more often than not, surpasses) the heart of most sports commentators.
For example:
In 1997, the brothers founded the International Federation for Competitive Eating, later renamed Major League Eating, and began to hold eating competitions around the world (and yes, there are videos of people shoving not just hot dogs, but everything from pork rolls, to oysters, to raw onions down their gullets in an allotted time). Thanks to the success of breakout stars like Takeru Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut (and the two’s back-and-forth rivalry), the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest has become an event that is far removed from a vaudeville event.
With George Shea at the helm as emcee, he has elevated it from a sideshow attraction to a place on the pedestal at God’s right hand.
Shea has a knack for introducing the colorful competitors with such incredibly outlandish fervor, that he has turned himself into a national treasure. He has the ability to dance upon the razor-sharp edge between a joke and a very real emotional event. These introductions are absurd, verbose, elaborate, ironic, and uniquely inspiring, packed with esoteric references and grandiose language. He delivers his speeches with a charismatic energy that it rivals (and, more often than not, surpasses) the heart of most sports commentators.
For example:
Current world champion and world-record holder Joey "Jaws" Chestnut. (Getty)
Of current champion Joey Chestnut:
“He has God’s username and password and does with it what he pleases!”
And also, because this is too good to pass up:
“He is the citadel, and he shall endure forever, because he is freedom. And he will fight until the dome of heaven collapses, and the black avalanche of space pours down around him.”
In 2014, Chestnut was carried to the stage on a mustard yellow palanquin, which prompted this epic speech from Shea, accompanied by The Who's "Baba O'Reilly." ("Out heeeere in the fields, I fight for my mealllllls")
“He has God’s username and password and does with it what he pleases!”
And also, because this is too good to pass up:
“He is the citadel, and he shall endure forever, because he is freedom. And he will fight until the dome of heaven collapses, and the black avalanche of space pours down around him.”
In 2014, Chestnut was carried to the stage on a mustard yellow palanquin, which prompted this epic speech from Shea, accompanied by The Who's "Baba O'Reilly." ("Out heeeere in the fields, I fight for my mealllllls")
Thomas is a three-time women's hot dog eating champion. (Getty)
Of former women’s champion Sonya “The Black Widow” Thomas:
“She is the shadow under the lotus petal. She is the absence of beauty. She is the memory of pain more painful than the pain itself. She is the darkness driven ever westward by the rising sun."
Of former women’s champion Sonya “The Black Widow” Thomas:
“She is the shadow under the lotus petal. She is the absence of beauty. She is the memory of pain more painful than the pain itself. She is the darkness driven ever westward by the rising sun."
Of former competitor Yasir Salem:
“He is entirely committed to competitive eating. He will do whatever it takes to win. Three days ago he broke up with his girlfriend and euthanized his dog to leave a void of emptiness inside him that he could fill today with hot dogs and buns.”
“He is entirely committed to competitive eating. He will do whatever it takes to win. Three days ago he broke up with his girlfriend and euthanized his dog to leave a void of emptiness inside him that he could fill today with hot dogs and buns.”
Lefevre is actually the "buttery flaky crust" guy.
Of Rich “The Locust” Lefevre, the 73-year old competitive eater:
“When we’re young we drink our coffee with milk and sugar, and as we age we drink it with milk only, and then we drink it black, and then we drink it decaf, then we die. Our next eater is at decaf.”
Martinez wears a luchador mask to the table.
Of eater Pablo Martinez:
“His marriage troubles began when he named his children Mild, Medium, and Hot. But he will not let domestic issues get in the way of the task at hand."
The mystical "Eater X" always an intro befitting such a wondrous athlete.
Two for former competitor Tim “Eater X” Janus:
“His lost his arm to a Bengal tiger in a boyhood trip to the Atlanta zoo. But his arm grew back. He can speak Neutrino, the language of the sun, and all day long he listens to the conversations in the sky.”
And:
“He was born outside of time. A witness to all possible realities. He was there when the sea and the sky were mixed together as one and humans floated from the depths of the Pacific to the very edge of space where they looked out at the stars in the blackness. He was there when druids walked the earth, and he watched as mankind built great cities, developed technology, and invented complex language with combination words such as bromance, labradoodle, manscaping, frenemy and craptacular.”
“His lost his arm to a Bengal tiger in a boyhood trip to the Atlanta zoo. But his arm grew back. He can speak Neutrino, the language of the sun, and all day long he listens to the conversations in the sky.”
And:
“He was born outside of time. A witness to all possible realities. He was there when the sea and the sky were mixed together as one and humans floated from the depths of the Pacific to the very edge of space where they looked out at the stars in the blackness. He was there when druids walked the earth, and he watched as mankind built great cities, developed technology, and invented complex language with combination words such as bromance, labradoodle, manscaping, frenemy and craptacular.”
And finally, there is Eric “Badlands” Booker, who is also a self-producing rapper. During the 2018 event, Badlands performed three rap songs, and then went on to eat a respectable 20 hot dogs and buns. But no performance was more epic than when Shea and Booker tag teamed his entrance. Eat your heart out, Hamilton.
George Shea. A living legend if there ever was one. You’re my hero, and the best thing I saw this month.
That about does it for this month's wrap sheet. Keep a lookout for lots more coming this August from the blog, including my yearly NFL preview!
That about does it for this month's wrap sheet. Keep a lookout for lots more coming this August from the blog, including my yearly NFL preview!
The Wrap Sheet
A monthly airing of thoughts and grievances.
I'm going to try a little something new starting today.
I have come to the realization that most blogs are opinion-based. And while top ten lists and others are fun, they're not the only thing. I find that much of the feedback I receive comes from my opinion-based pieces.
Thanks to an idea from a friend of mine, a new segment- The Wrap Sheet- is born.
This is basically "Andrew Airs His Grievances," where I take a look at some of the events that happened in a given month and give opinions about them. You might find some of this fun to read, and it might even encourage some fun constructive debate.
The Wrap Sheet will be a monthly thing, and since June was super eventful, I figured this was a good place to start.
Again, I want to thank everyone who's been reading this blog over the last three and a half years.
Let's wrap up the month of June, now, shall we?
This month was a wild one, wasn’t it? I guess after that prolonged winter, June decided it really was time to bust out all over.
So let’s hucka those bejeepers and dive right into it.
If you’re not sure what I’m referring to by that, I’ll let Leslie Uggams explain.
Did you know she’s the old woman in Deadpool??? I sure didn’t.
There’s a lot to cover this month, and I’ll try to keep it as organized by category as I possibly can.
There’s a lot to cover this month, and I’ll try to keep it as organized by category as I possibly can.
Pancakes! I mean...
My featured story this month stems from the magical (or, rather not-so-magical-anymore) world of pancakes.
... I mean burgers.
... I mean burgers.
Can’t re-add the Cinn-A-Stax, but you can change the LOGO??
IHOP, the beloved International House of Pancakes, went ahead and changed its damn name. Henceforth, the restaurant will be known as IHOb, otherwise known as the International House of Blasphemy.
I mean, the International House of Burgers.
My problem with this is, well, everything.
And I believe the root of the problem, and ultimately the demise of the P, comes from the removal of the beloved Cinn-A-Stack pancakes from the IHOP menu.
I mean, the International House of Burgers.
My problem with this is, well, everything.
And I believe the root of the problem, and ultimately the demise of the P, comes from the removal of the beloved Cinn-A-Stack pancakes from the IHOP menu.
Look at these. And their sweet, sweet cinnamon-y goodness.
These half-pastry, half-pancake bundles of joy were what kept me coming back time and time again. Hell, for national pancake day, I would STILL pay the $8.99 (or whatever it was) for an extra plate of these majestic creatures.
And then they were taken off the menu, and my lust for IHOP began to gradually die a little every day.
There was talk of the Cinn-A-Stacks being a secret menu item, allowing patrons to order them for a limited time until they were taken off the menu for good. When eating at the IHOP off I-90 in Newton on a fall morning some time in late 2016 (or maybe it was even before that. But it definitely wasn’t after April 2017, when they were officially ruled out as a food option), I was told that IHOP no longer made them anymore and that there was no way to recreate them, like the plans had been lost forever.
So, I say IHOP had what was coming to it. Makes sense that if you discard your BEST MENU ITEM, people will stop buying your pancakes enough for you to change your name.
I don’t have a problem with companies like Dunkin’ Donuts changing their name (at least, as far as I know there is impending change) to Dunkin’; I already call it that, and I can probably count on one hand how many donuts I purchased from there in the last 18 months.
But this? This one burns me. You’re a breakfast place, IHOP. Act like it. And if this is your idea of a publicity stunt, it’s stupid and no one likes you. I have always and will continue to refuse to eat your burgers.
IHOB. International House of Bring Back the Cinn-A-Stack Pancakes.
And then they were taken off the menu, and my lust for IHOP began to gradually die a little every day.
There was talk of the Cinn-A-Stacks being a secret menu item, allowing patrons to order them for a limited time until they were taken off the menu for good. When eating at the IHOP off I-90 in Newton on a fall morning some time in late 2016 (or maybe it was even before that. But it definitely wasn’t after April 2017, when they were officially ruled out as a food option), I was told that IHOP no longer made them anymore and that there was no way to recreate them, like the plans had been lost forever.
So, I say IHOP had what was coming to it. Makes sense that if you discard your BEST MENU ITEM, people will stop buying your pancakes enough for you to change your name.
I don’t have a problem with companies like Dunkin’ Donuts changing their name (at least, as far as I know there is impending change) to Dunkin’; I already call it that, and I can probably count on one hand how many donuts I purchased from there in the last 18 months.
But this? This one burns me. You’re a breakfast place, IHOP. Act like it. And if this is your idea of a publicity stunt, it’s stupid and no one likes you. I have always and will continue to refuse to eat your burgers.
IHOB. International House of Bring Back the Cinn-A-Stack Pancakes.
Politics!
Moving on to politics, because if Donald Trump isn’t featured, is it really considered a month?
Of course, our cartoon president was involved in two major things that happened this past month, both of which I will touch on only very quickly because he does not deserve my attention for any more than I can bare.
The first is his meeting with Kim Jong-Un of North Korea, in the first summit between the leaders of the two countries.
After much hemming and hawing, with both sides threatening to pull out, and Trump even submitting a formal letter to call off the meeting, the two met in Singapore on June 12th.
Of course, our cartoon president was involved in two major things that happened this past month, both of which I will touch on only very quickly because he does not deserve my attention for any more than I can bare.
The first is his meeting with Kim Jong-Un of North Korea, in the first summit between the leaders of the two countries.
After much hemming and hawing, with both sides threatening to pull out, and Trump even submitting a formal letter to call off the meeting, the two met in Singapore on June 12th.
"As soon as he stops shaking my hand, I'm gonna make a run for it."
International opinion was on the positive side, but I really think it’s because the two sides met, talked, and left, without really making complete asshats of themselves.
My favorite part of this was this little nugget from Trump:
“As an example, they have great beaches. You see that whenever they’re exploding their cannons into the ocean. I said, boy, look at that view. Wouldn’t that make a great condo? And I explained, I said, you know, instead of doing that you could have the best hotels in the world right there. Think of it from a real estate perspective. You have South Korea, you have China, and they own the land in the middle. How bad is that, right? It’s great.”
Ah, yes. World peace in the form of real estate development. Joy.
I mean, sure, the guy does have a little bit of a point, but it just amuses me to no end that THIS is what he got out of it.
Meeting with the dictator of a country that the United States has had hostile tensions with ever since the 1950s? You know what would ease international tensions and bring world peace. HOTELS. Bingo. On to the next one.
We are all aware that his entire presidency is all about him, right? It’s just one huge publicity stunt to be relevant again before he withers away and dies in his insanity. We know this, right?
My overall opinion on the guy is that nothing irreparable will be accomplished. I think republicans are just happy to have their title on the presidency, and the human internet troll can have his fun before politics becomes politics again in two and a half years and every executive order he’s introduced gets overturned again.
Think about it. He’s not getting much done at all with a REPUBLICAN CONGRESS. You can’t blame the Democrats for things not getting done if your party controls both the presidency and congress.
Which brings me to my next story.
The Cages
So, there were children being held in cages at the border, separated from their families after they were detained for crossing the border illegally.
And by separated, I mean there are children being held inside an old Wal-Mart in giant chain link cages, sleeping on floors or mats, totally away from their parents and forced to care for their fellow child.
No one’s political compass is exactly 100% the same as anyone else’s, I don’t believe anyone is the same in that respect. I’ve always been self conscious about sharing my precise political opinions. I’ve always tried to see both sides of an argument and empathize with each (the difference is empathy, not agreement). Perhaps my rhetoric isn’t always correct, and perhaps I’m even a little misguided in my remarks. But here are my two cents.
I think separating families at the border is cruel. I think keeping children locked away together in cages is inhumane. I think the immigration system (and while we’re at it, the prison system) in this country is all kinds of messed up and needs to be fixed.
I feel like there’s deportation of illegal immigrants, and then there’s this humiliation-of-sorts that happens beforehand that just makes me angry.
Being arrested for being in the country illegally, and then held in the United States for being an illegal immigrant? I mean… it feels kind of redundant and I don’t understand why it has to happen.
Obviously one solution is to close the border completely. But I still hold out hope that this country can serve as a melting pot and we can have people from other countries living here trying to make better lives for themselves.
Why not just fucking make it easier? If you’re obsessed with removing people that are here illegally because they’re here illegally, why not make it easier to live here legally? Isn’t that the problem?
We all know “we don’t want them here because they’re here illegally” isn’t really the overt problem. We know it goes much deeper than that. There’s some other heavily-rooted shit in this country that needs addressing. I really don’t feel like getting into it at this juncture, because there’s more to get to, and God knows I’ll probably end up addressing it another time.
Oh, and don’t put children in cages. That’s pretty much the end of my thoughts on that. Stop being cruel and disguising it as patriotism.
*Deep breath.*
And by separated, I mean there are children being held inside an old Wal-Mart in giant chain link cages, sleeping on floors or mats, totally away from their parents and forced to care for their fellow child.
No one’s political compass is exactly 100% the same as anyone else’s, I don’t believe anyone is the same in that respect. I’ve always been self conscious about sharing my precise political opinions. I’ve always tried to see both sides of an argument and empathize with each (the difference is empathy, not agreement). Perhaps my rhetoric isn’t always correct, and perhaps I’m even a little misguided in my remarks. But here are my two cents.
I think separating families at the border is cruel. I think keeping children locked away together in cages is inhumane. I think the immigration system (and while we’re at it, the prison system) in this country is all kinds of messed up and needs to be fixed.
I feel like there’s deportation of illegal immigrants, and then there’s this humiliation-of-sorts that happens beforehand that just makes me angry.
Being arrested for being in the country illegally, and then held in the United States for being an illegal immigrant? I mean… it feels kind of redundant and I don’t understand why it has to happen.
Obviously one solution is to close the border completely. But I still hold out hope that this country can serve as a melting pot and we can have people from other countries living here trying to make better lives for themselves.
Why not just fucking make it easier? If you’re obsessed with removing people that are here illegally because they’re here illegally, why not make it easier to live here legally? Isn’t that the problem?
We all know “we don’t want them here because they’re here illegally” isn’t really the overt problem. We know it goes much deeper than that. There’s some other heavily-rooted shit in this country that needs addressing. I really don’t feel like getting into it at this juncture, because there’s more to get to, and God knows I’ll probably end up addressing it another time.
Oh, and don’t put children in cages. That’s pretty much the end of my thoughts on that. Stop being cruel and disguising it as patriotism.
*Deep breath.*
Sports Ball!
The World Cup is happening right now!
First, let’s all laugh at Germany for getting eliminated before the knockout round courtesy of South Korea.
First, let’s all laugh at Germany for getting eliminated before the knockout round courtesy of South Korea.
Row, row, row your boat, gently down the loser stream!
Secondly, look at these Mexico supporters joyfully embracing partying outside the South Korean embassy and even letting them get in on the fun.
South Korea's performance is literally why the World Cup exists.
Thirdly, I don’t know that I’ve watch a single minute because the United States is not involved. This is perhaps a generalization, but unless you live in Seattle, Portland, or perhaps Columbus, Ohio, I don’t think there are casual soccer fans that exist in America. Like, even when the U.S. is involved in the World Cup, it’s like you can smell the stench of all the fairweather fans hopping up on the “I Believe That We Will Win” bandwagon.
Oh, I 100% am one of those people. But I don’t forget that U.S. soccer embarrassingly lost to Trinidad last year to fail to qualify for the World Cup when there are other sports things happening in this world.
Oh, I 100% am one of those people. But I don’t forget that U.S. soccer embarrassingly lost to Trinidad last year to fail to qualify for the World Cup when there are other sports things happening in this world.
The USMNT lost in November to Trinidad and Tobago to eliminate themselves from World Cup contention.
The bandwagon thing is similar to the Olympics, but the United States has traditionally been successful at sports that come along every four years. But not soccer. David Beckham and Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Wayne Rooney are nice and all, but it’s nowhere near enough to pull the casual fan in.
Soccer also has to compete with football, basketball, baseball, and hockey. And people can complain all they want about how the NFL and NBA are “rigged” and how baseball is “too slow” and how they “can’t see the puck” in hockey. But those same people will, nine times out of ten, go back to the “Big Four” tit when faced with the choice of that or a soccer match.
That’s nice that all that money was invested into a program that fell off the face of the earth in November, though.
Soccer also has to compete with football, basketball, baseball, and hockey. And people can complain all they want about how the NFL and NBA are “rigged” and how baseball is “too slow” and how they “can’t see the puck” in hockey. But those same people will, nine times out of ten, go back to the “Big Four” tit when faced with the choice of that or a soccer match.
That’s nice that all that money was invested into a program that fell off the face of the earth in November, though.
Let me also touch on the U.S. Open, while we’re here.
Golf is a hard sport. But I don’t think golf should be THIS hard. A final, 72-hole tournament where the winner finishes at ONE OVER PAR? Come on.
Golf is one of those underrated sports. Like NASCAR (yes, stock car racing is a wildly popular and fascinating underrated sport. Fight me). But the way golf is different than NASCAR is that you don’t have to be 16 and have a driver’s license to swing a golf club. Gold has the ability to garner interest from fans who watch or play at a very young age. But I think having the country’s national championship for the sport be so excruciatingly tough to watch (and I can’t even imagine how hard courses like Shinnecock Hill are to play) is going to drive away interest. People WANT to see someone run away with a championship at 20-under par. They want to see someone drive the ball 400 yards or sink a 75-footer. They want to see good golfers actually playing good golf, instead of seeing their idols shoot 11-over on the first nine of the week (looking at you, Rory McIlroy). And maybe the USGA could learn a little from the Masters, by limiting the U.S. Open to a select few courses. Just a thought.
But props to Brooks Koepka, who won his second consecutive U.S. Open. I remember the commentators during the telecast say the Koepka plays overseas a lot in Europe, and how he possesses the mental toughness to get through these tough courses, and that not many other golfers like him have such grit. I respect that.
Golf is a hard sport. But I don’t think golf should be THIS hard. A final, 72-hole tournament where the winner finishes at ONE OVER PAR? Come on.
Golf is one of those underrated sports. Like NASCAR (yes, stock car racing is a wildly popular and fascinating underrated sport. Fight me). But the way golf is different than NASCAR is that you don’t have to be 16 and have a driver’s license to swing a golf club. Gold has the ability to garner interest from fans who watch or play at a very young age. But I think having the country’s national championship for the sport be so excruciatingly tough to watch (and I can’t even imagine how hard courses like Shinnecock Hill are to play) is going to drive away interest. People WANT to see someone run away with a championship at 20-under par. They want to see someone drive the ball 400 yards or sink a 75-footer. They want to see good golfers actually playing good golf, instead of seeing their idols shoot 11-over on the first nine of the week (looking at you, Rory McIlroy). And maybe the USGA could learn a little from the Masters, by limiting the U.S. Open to a select few courses. Just a thought.
But props to Brooks Koepka, who won his second consecutive U.S. Open. I remember the commentators during the telecast say the Koepka plays overseas a lot in Europe, and how he possesses the mental toughness to get through these tough courses, and that not many other golfers like him have such grit. I respect that.
Movies!
I only want to talk about one movie, and that is Solo: A Star Wars Story.
There will be potential spoilers. Read at your own risk.
For anyone that knows me, I am a huge Star Wars fan. Solo was the first movie of the franchise that I was actually disappointed with.
Don’t get me wrong, it was a fine movie. Great visual effects, and some of the action sequences were quite fun.
But it wasn’t Rogue One and, after much thought, I question whether this film actually needed to exist.
For anyone that knows me, I am a huge Star Wars fan. Solo was the first movie of the franchise that I was actually disappointed with.
Don’t get me wrong, it was a fine movie. Great visual effects, and some of the action sequences were quite fun.
But it wasn’t Rogue One and, after much thought, I question whether this film actually needed to exist.
First, the good. I really liked Alden Ehrenreich in the lead role. I felt he accurately captured the aesthetic of Han Solo without coming off too much like an imitation or caricature. Then there were the effects, which were stunning. Solo is one of the most expensive movies ever made, and it showed. They put some effort into the effects.
But where Ehrenreich’s Solo falls short is in the actual action, and that falls with the concept, writing, and directing more than it does with Ehrenreich’s acting.
Han Solo is a scoundrel. He’s a pessimist. His catchphrase is “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.” What I saw in Solo was a dreamer, a lover, a fighter. I think that’s the wrong outlook on the character, but that’s just me, especially with no bridge showing what got him from “I have a really good feeling about this” to “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”
The plot dragged in the middle, and, to be honest, I really didn’t care much about the backstory that was being presented to me.
I cared more about the characters in Rogue One having never met them before than I did about the characters in Solo, two of whom I have known since I was six. I guess that’s what switching creative teams mid-project will do.
Han Solo is already an epic, iconic character. No film needs to convince me that he is already even more epic than he is. They’d be better off making a movie about Obi-Wan Kenobi (which isn’t being made right now, thanks to how this film turned out) and his relationship with Qui-Gon Jinn after Episode III because THAT WAS A HUGE THING FOR ME AND THEY NEVER TOUCHED ON IT NOT ONE TIME AFTER THAT.
But where Ehrenreich’s Solo falls short is in the actual action, and that falls with the concept, writing, and directing more than it does with Ehrenreich’s acting.
Han Solo is a scoundrel. He’s a pessimist. His catchphrase is “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.” What I saw in Solo was a dreamer, a lover, a fighter. I think that’s the wrong outlook on the character, but that’s just me, especially with no bridge showing what got him from “I have a really good feeling about this” to “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”
The plot dragged in the middle, and, to be honest, I really didn’t care much about the backstory that was being presented to me.
I cared more about the characters in Rogue One having never met them before than I did about the characters in Solo, two of whom I have known since I was six. I guess that’s what switching creative teams mid-project will do.
Han Solo is already an epic, iconic character. No film needs to convince me that he is already even more epic than he is. They’d be better off making a movie about Obi-Wan Kenobi (which isn’t being made right now, thanks to how this film turned out) and his relationship with Qui-Gon Jinn after Episode III because THAT WAS A HUGE THING FOR ME AND THEY NEVER TOUCHED ON IT NOT ONE TIME AFTER THAT.
Other thoughts on Solo:
- L-3 is a blatant rip-off of K-2SO from Rogue One and wasn’t all that funny.
- Did they make this whole film from the quote “made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs”? I feel like they did.
- Also, Han was involved in the Imperial Navy? What?? I need to go back and watch A New Hope.
- Unpopular opinion: Donald Glover was just okay. His character arc gave me no reason to believe that Lando and Han are lifelong buddies.
- Oh and THIS NUGGET. (SPOILERSPOILERSPOILERSPOILER)
I'm sorry... WHAT?
I guess I should be watching Rebels. The filmmakers knew they screwed up by killing off Darth Maul, so they’re trying to make this half-assed second attempt to make him relevant again. Which is fine but also not at all fine.
So we've had enough pessimism for one day, I think. Let's do a positive story, just to finish this thing out on a high note.
So we've had enough pessimism for one day, I think. Let's do a positive story, just to finish this thing out on a high note.
Time to feel good!
Go, daredevil raccoon, go!
This raccoon in Minnesota scaled a building. Not just any building, the 15th-tallest building in St. Paul, Minnesota. And I don’t mean like there was a big ladder or a cable or anything.
I mean he straight up Mission-Impossible’d this thing.
I mean he straight up Mission-Impossible’d this thing.
What you've all been waiting for... #MissionImpossible #MPRraccoon □ @kare11 @ElleryTV @DPet_KARE11News @timnelson_mpr pic.twitter.com/SZKNem45yf
— Alicia Lewis (@alicialewisKARE) June 13, 2018
The videos and images of this adorable creature lit up Twitter, and captivated the nation as the tweets went out.
Raccoons have incredible climbing skills (according to Google), but climbing 23-story tall buildings is obviously way out of the ordinary for these backyard trash-searchers.
The New York Times chronicled the climb in story fashion and I encourage you to check it out.
Raccoons have incredible climbing skills (according to Google), but climbing 23-story tall buildings is obviously way out of the ordinary for these backyard trash-searchers.
The New York Times chronicled the climb in story fashion and I encourage you to check it out.
And, that was your monthly report for June, 2018.
I don’t know if there are any July puns like there are for May and June, and I really don’t feel like looking. But thank you, readers, for indulging me in this new project. Leave a comment below if you like it, and let me know if there’s anything you’d rather I touch on for next time!
I don’t know if there are any July puns like there are for May and June, and I really don’t feel like looking. But thank you, readers, for indulging me in this new project. Leave a comment below if you like it, and let me know if there’s anything you’d rather I touch on for next time!
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